If I Go
by exesnohs830
Summary: You'd be less scared if you were more honest.
1. I Could Lie

AN; I understand if this doesn't make sense lol. I just have way too many feels right now that I had to write it out.

* * *

"You can't be serious."

Strangely enough, I expected this reaction. But then I didn't. How else do you go about asking someone to help you take your daughter away from her other mother? There's no good way to ask, no good way to go about it. But this was all I had.

Meredith's statement had a mix of disbelief, but sever bluntness attached. It was like she knew the words that were coming out of my mouth, but couldn't truly believe it.

"I wish I wasn't." But I was.

Meredith sighed, removing her ferry boat scrub cap.

"Callie, you can't ask me to do that."

I scoffed, "Mer, I need you to do this for me. Richard and Alex already agreed to help Arizona, I need somebody to be there for me. You know I would never ask that of you, but…I can't lose. Not again."

"You never lost anything. God, don't you understand that by now? You gave it all up!"

I closed my eyes. I was sinking. Like seriously. Fucking sinking.

Ever since Penny won the grant, I've been bending over backwards to be happy with my life. To be…more than what I have going for me now. And I have a lot going for me. A hospital, a daughter, a career, friends, a life. But…Penny was leaving. She was going to leave me, regardless if I stayed here or not. She was going to leave, for a great opportunity, to be great. I couldn't go through that again.

"I'm not giving up Sofia."

 _You started this._

Maybe I did. Maybe I did it first, maybe I wanted to make a step. Maybe I wanted to be anywhere but the place where my marriage died. Where my best friend died. There was too much death, and anger. That's one thing that I've realized. I stayed here, instead of going to Africa, because I had my job and my friends. And now, I still have that, and I still don't have Arizona.

Some things didn't change. But yet everything did.

Which is why…maybe…I need to go now. But not without my daughter. I can't be that woman who runs across the country, without any consideration for the little life that I carried inside me. That has never been me. What exactly am I now? I'm not too sure. But it's like no one understands where I'm coming from. They only see the fact that I'm leaving, that I'm their friend, family actually, and a part of this hospital.

They don't see the fact that all I want is for someone to love me without hurting me at the same time. They don't see how lonely I was, or how I feel like only have of myself exists. The other half somewhere else. Or with someone else.

"And you expect Arizona to just give her up?"

"No," I stressed. "I don't expect that at all! I told her that we would figure out visits and have everything scheduled. It's just a 6 hour flight!"

Meredith Grey was a lot of things. I'm determined that she'll outlive all of us. Seriously, the girl's got cats beat in the whole 'nine lives' department. Her face can stay completely slack, but her eyes will tell you a different story. She's also my friend. Which is funny, because I never thought I would feel a kinship with the general surgeon. Her opinion matters. But I'm not sure I wanna hear it this time.

"A six hour flight. Once again, you can't be serious. We were in a plane crash, Callie. What the hell is wrong with you?"

…

Oh…right. I wouldn't blame her for smacking me upside the head. A plane crash. I spent a lot of time thinking about that plane crash. That plane crash almost ruined my life, and a part of me thinks it did. The plane crash doesn't invade my thoughts like it used to. Maybe that's the problem.

"I – I could fly then, instead. I mean, I have a few positions lined up and its fewer hours and Penny will be busy so I'll have plenty of time…"

"Callie, you seriously can't be this dumb," the blonde says softly. Now she's looking at me in pity. Like I don't understand.

There's a tingling on the back of my neck, and my hands feel cold and numb. I shouldn't have sought her out right after surgery. Like I was in a race to get to her first. Staking my claim to my friend before the other side did. I've been given disapproving looks and judgmental eye raises all day. You would think I'd be used to it by now, but it still sucks. I'm still the bad person.

"She got a lawyer. She got a lawyer, and she's taking me to court. I'm all out of bright ideas, Mer. I - " I shake my head, "I don't know what to do but this."

I thought that if I had everything planned, that maybe it would be easier. That Arizona would shine her dimples at me and be excited for the next step in my life. Arizona's a lot of things, but she's not malicious. I left her, ended our marriage for the last time, but I still didn't think she would do this for some reason.

But maybe I don't know her anymore. Maybe the Arizona now is different. Maybe I made her different. Cold, defensive, but poised.

"I lost Zola. Of course, she came back, but I lost her. And there was that period of time where I didn't think I'd ever see her again. I didn't give birth to her, but she is my daughter. I held her and she looked at me and she was mine. Arizona heard Sofia's heartbeat for the first time and Sofia was hers," she shrugged. "I get why she's doing this. She's scared. She lost you already, she doesn't want to lose Sofia."

Zola coming into our lives seemed like another…lifetime ago. I feel like she's always been Meredith and Derek's daughter. But I remember when she was taken from them and into Janet's arms. Mark and Arizona had practically sprinted to day care, the situation making them want their own child. At the time I couldn't imagine what they were feeling, wondering if that was the last time they would hold their child. A child that wasn't theirs biologically, but still theirs.

"She's not going to lose Sofia. I would never do that."

"You're doing it right now. Arizona's probably going crazy because she knows she's not the biological mother, and you're taking her away to New York. The grant is for a year, but who says Penny will end up back in Seattle? What if she decided to stay in New York, or – or go somewhere else? Have you even thought about that?"

"I love her."

It's a muted love. I'm not sure if it's supposed to feel like this. But in a way, it kind of feels right. I always thought love was supposed to tackle you into oblivion. That I would feel something so strong and so raw that it's almost paralyzing. That was the kind of love I had with Arizona. It was all-consuming, the end all of my be all.

It made me not feel like that was how it was supposed to be. Because it crushed me, it made me…scared.

"I know. And I get it, it sucks. But this is your daughter." Meredith's not sure she believes her. There's still a lot about life that she has yet to find out, but one thing she is sure of is love. She had love, she's loved, and continues to do so. It's hard, loving people. But when she does, she dives head first, without a single thought.

Callie's kind of like that too. Only the Callie she is looking at now is scared. Vulnerable. Defensive. Desperate. Meredith knows Penny is nothing but a crutch. Callie doesn't know, and she'd hate for her friend to find out. In New York.

"If I stay, and Penny goes. I will lose her. Maybe not right away, but eventually it won't last. And I – I can't go through that again."

Meredith inhaled knowingly. So this was what it was about. She was a little bit out of touch lately, what with her own widow problems, but it didn't take a genius to figure it out.

"I can't help, Callie. I'm sorry. And I can't support what you're doing. If I believed that Penny was the one, that you really loved her, I still wouldn't do it. Because this isn't about you, or your insecurities. This is about Sofia's life. You are actively trying to take her away from her mother. Arizona is just trying to protect herself, and Sofia."

"Don't you think I want to do the same thing? Protect myself and Sofia?"

"No," Meredith said simply.

I narrow my eyes, "So you think I'm being selfish?"

"Kind of yeah. You're being selfish because you've been beat down and hurt many times. I don't blame you, but is it really that serious though? Don't get me wrong, Blake's not a bad person. I know that now. But is it really worth, all this? Because no matter what happens, you can't take this back. This will ruin you two. And once you walk into that court room, it'll never be the same."

"I don't want to do this! I don't want to let another person out of my life again. Me and Arizona didn't work. We will never work. Me and Penny work, and I owe it to myself after all the shit that I've been through to find out."

Meredith sighed, fiddling with her scrub cap in her skinny hands.

"You do owe it to yourself. It's been horrible for you, I know. Some things just…die. And that's life. You're grasping at straws now, because of now." She looked desperately into her friend's eyes, "But Penny's not the one, Cal."

I shake my head, "You don't know that." Penny could be the one. She's the one, right now. She could be the one, if I go.

Meredith smiled sadly, "She's not."

"I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. That I'd find someone again, and I don't want to stay here while Penny goes. I can't lose anyone else."

Meredith patted me on the shoulder.

"She's not the one."

"I need her…to be the one." I feel a single tear fall down my cheek. I wipe it away with my palm. I needed this. More than what Meredith or anyone else could understand. More than what Arizona could understand. But I needed my daughter too.

Meredith squatted down, her cap still clutched firmly in one hand. She met my eyes. Sometimes Meredith lets herself look vulnerable. Like now. And I see the pain that she still carries with her, and probably always will. It's a different kind of pain, but she gets it in a way.

"You're better than this, Callie. You're stronger than this. You're not delusional. You don't _need_ Penny to be the one. Because you already have the one. What are you so scared of?"

"Everything."

I know Meredith can understand that at least.

"You'd be less scared if you were more honest."

##

Stress affects me in weird ways. Which is why I'm scrubbing cabinets. Why? Because I'm stressed, and cleaning is better than crying. Which is what I've been doing all day. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to be sitting in my car while Richard tells me that I have to fight.

I didn't want to program my lawyer into my contacts list because I would in fact be talking to her quite frequently.

And I didn't want to hand that lawyers card over to my ex-wife, because she wants to take my daughter across the country.

I didn't want any of this. But I just…I can't just let Callie take Sofia away from me. I'm not losing her.

Sofia was the one thing that kept me going. That kept me in Seattle.

Losing Callie was something that I never thought I could overcome. And most days I do feel like I did get past that. I loved Callie enough to get past it and let her be free. I shook my head ruefully. I honestly still don't know what that means.

Being free and shacking up with a resident are not the same thing. But I try not to think too much about that. Penny's not bad. I actually like her. I'd like her a lot more if she didn't win that grant. A very tiny part inside my brain wishes she'd stay, so I could just call this whole thing off. I'd rather deal with a lifetime of Blake than just summers and holidays with Sofia. With plane rides that will haunt me weeks after. With a separate life that I'm not a part of.

I'm trying to be more, fulfilled. I was trying and things were better. The mere sight of my ex-wife didn't cause me to avoid eye contact and find an on call room to burst into tears. I know that Callie is a never ending presence in my heart. I wish she wasn't, but it's what I got. We took something from each other. It's just a matter of living with it. I know that now.

The sound of bristles scouring the cabinet calms me in a way.

I try to look on the bright side. The sentimental part of me is happy at the fact that Richard and Alex want to go to bat for me. Richard's been a great friend lately. Although our comradery is new, I feel closer to him than anybody else in my life. And Alex can grumble and say what he wants, but I know he loves me. I know he's protective and looks to me like a big sister. The kind of sister that kicked him around until he was exactly who he was supposed to be.

Even Bailey squeezed my hand protectively at the nurses station. She didn't say anything, because she 'doesn't do personal,' but I knew what she would have said.

I used to think I didn't have anybody. That everyone was Callie's friends. And they still are, or I hope they will still be, but it pulled at my heart strings to know that for the first time in forever, I didn't feel so alone.

Currently, I was alone though. Deluca was at the hospital and Sofia was with Callie. I don't know if she's told Sofia the news yet. My hand puts a little more force into the scrub brush. She's innocent in the matter. She's happy, and kind, and funny too. I don't want to put her through this. To think that her moms don't care about what she wants, what's best for her. Either way, she's losing something.

I decided to put a halt to the dating scene and trivia night. I didn't need distractions. At least, not from random women. I needed to focus on the custody case. On keeping myself together but knowing that I might lose everything.

The fact that it's for a year never fazed me. I'm not stupid, I know there's a strong possibility that it could be longer, that Sofia traveling between the two of us til she's 18 just might happen. The one year story that Callie tried to feed me wasn't the point. The fact that I moved myself frequently as a child wasn't the point either. I moved with my parents, together. No matter where we were, we were together.

The brush slips from my grip at the sound of the pounding on my door. I stand up carefully while holding onto the counter. The time on the stove makes me pause. It's kind of late for anybody to be showing up.

I walk to the front door quietly and look into the peephole. Sighing, I rested my head against the wood. I square my shoulders and open the door.

"Callie I told you not to –"

"Do you love me?"

I can't lie. I really can't. I can pretend, sure. I'm a good pretender, which was a rule that I made for myself a long time ago not to do. But I am. Callie makes me a lot of things. But I can't even lie about this. I'm not a liar.

"Yes."

"And if I go…will you still love me?"

"If you took Sofia away from me, there's no way I could love you."

Callie gasped out a sob then, with one hand clinging to the threshold. I looked behind her. I didn't even notice it was raining.

"Arizona. I need her to be the one." Her voice, especially in anguish, pains me still. She's unraveled, and drenched in the Seattle rain. But she's still beautiful, and not herself. But maybe this is her now. The woman who uproots her life. Maybe Callie will actually go this time. I know this. It's not even about Africa, I'm actually glad I didn't go, because I'd be missing out on Sofia's life.

And me and Callie have hurt each other a lot. But I wouldn't take it back for anything.

"Is she?"

"No she's not, because you are!" Callie shouted, the rain serving as the dramatic background noise that was our love affair. "And I need you not to be, because we're over."

I couldn't help but chuckle. It was bitter, and toneless. She said I'm the one, and it didn't feel an inkling as good as it did in my dreams.

"So you come to my home, in the middle of the night, to tell me that I'm the one? I thought I made it clear your manipulations aren't going to fix this."

She looks at me, shocked. Confused. "Arizona – I wasn't trying to manipulate you."

I lean against the door, crossing my arms. Now I'm just mad. "You're not going to get away with this. I lost you already. I get that. I've accepted it. You're not taking my daughter."

"She's our daughter!"

"Fine, our daughter! You're not taking her away from me so that you can go be happy with Perfect Penny. I want you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted. Sure, it sucked that I couldn't give you that, but Sofia is not coming with you. Not if I have anything to say about it. And standing here, in the fucking rain, saying that I'm the one is not going to work! You – you practically ignore me for years and now you want to come to my house and say this? Fuck you!"

I'm harsh and a bit rude. Which is why I wish she'd never come over. It's typical of Callie to not respect my wishes. To take matters into her own hands. It used to be endearing and sometimes it still is, but not now. I tried to be the rational, calm one. The person that I've grown to be. But Callie is in my space, at my house, and saying things that are just too late to hear.

"You – you were better. You moved out and you went along with everything…" Callie trails dumbly.

I shake my head, "Because you wanted this! You walked out of that room and I lost you, and –" I pause, trying not to cry, "you left me."

"I can't let Penny leave me like you left me."

"Callie," I trail, knowing in my heart that it's different, "you and me and you and Penny are not the same thing."

"Penny's…an easy version of you and me. And she's a good person. And she loves me. And I – love her. To an extent. Not like I love you. I could," she sighs, "never love her like I love you."

"This isn't about us."

"Isn't it though?" she asks timidly. "You said after the baby, you couldn't take another loss. I can't either."

I feel like the roles have reversed. Like I'm the only who suddenly has my shit together. Which is laughable, really. Because if I'm honest, which I like to be, my life isn't passionate or interesting, or even fun. Sometimes it's fun, like when I'm out with Richard or playing with Sofia, it's a blast. But it's starting to become obvious to me that me and Callie… we're both a mess.

"That's a really selfish way of looking at it," I say pointedly.

"I know. I'd give anything to not be fighting with you. I don't want to fight with you."

"I never wanted this either. But this is where we are. What we have now. I have to do what's best for Sofia. And New York is not what's best for her. Her family is here."

It's as simple as that.

"If I go, will you still love me?"

"Callie I al –"

"No. If I go, will you still love _me?_ " She's stepping closer, and that feeling in my gut that I haven't felt in years is coming back. Her perfume fills my nostrils, the same one that she's used for years. She's different. We both are in varying ways, but we're still those same people somewhere.

"Callie," I warn her. I can't do this. I can't go back to that person before.

"What?"

"Don't."

"Why not?"

"I told you not to talk to me about this anymore."

"We're not talking about Sofia. We're talking about you."

"It doesn't matter."

"Just answer me."

The threshold serves as my life line. Because if I let go, I'll fall into her. Again. And I won't feel the least bit bad about it.

"I'd still love you. But you're going to New York. You made that very clear."

She's almost that woman who threw me a party, even though I hate surprises. Or that woman who threw me into the shower because I couldn't do it myself. Or the one who stuck by me through the worst of the worst. She's maybe still that woman. And I love her. She's the one for me. Maybe for always.

"Will you love me when I come back?" it rolls off her tongue almost in a joking manner. It's not funny. Nothing about this is funny. But it makes me smile a little. Because we both know the answer now.

"Probably," I admit. I'm not a liar.

She nods, understanding what I already knew. I already knew, because it made me angry, and sad. Maybe we're inevitable. Maybe not now, or next year, or the year after that. But we're tethered to each other. Not because of Sofia, although she's a big part, but not the only thing. There's some things you can't erase.

I can see the faint trails of mascara trickling down her cheeks. She's too close now. Sometimes I can't help myself. I lean forward a little closer. My nose brushes hers. She's still, probably not believing that I'm actually letting up. Callie makes me this way.

"Calliope."

"What?" she breathes across my lips. I can feel her. I can still feel her, because she's everything. We're everything. Maybe just…not right now.

I close the distance, pressing my mouth across hers. It's quick, and her eyes are closed, waiting for more. I wait until I see her open them again. I still feel her lips on mine. I take a deep breath.

" _Go."_


	2. I'm A Little Unwell

AN; Thanks for the kind words. I was actually going to have this be just a one-shot, but I decided to extend it for a few chapters. Nothing too long but enough to comfort me after the weekly meltdowns I've been having the past couple of weeks.

Side note: Title is named for Ella Eyre's song If I Go, one of my fav songs to be played on the show to date. The chapter's named for Matchbox Twenty's Unwell.

* * *

"When are we hanging out again? I feel like I never see you anymore."

Most people might not know, or never know, but Alex can be _needy_. He says things like 'dude' or 'whatever,' but what he's really saying is 'whatever dude, I love you.' And he's right for the most part. I haven't seen him that much. I haven't seen much of anybody really. Of course at work, but it's pretty much been all work. All the time. And I'm busy… _very_ busy. I'm busier than I ever was, and it's somehow okay with me.

"Alex, clingy doesn't suit you."

"Whatever." It makes me smirk, because I'm right. And I'm awesome. Most days.

"We'll hang out sometime."

"You know Mer wouldn't mind watching Sofia for a night."

I sigh, "I know, and she has watched Sofia the odd night where I was stuck here."

It's been a month since the judge granted me primary custody of Sofia. A month since I became an actual full time single mom. It was rough, and not once did I feel like I was doing the right thing, sitting there with Callie across the room. I was actually surprised and had to look at my lawyer for confirmation at what I was hearing. I was prepared to go to war, but I honestly wasn't sure if I would win. That a judge would actually look at me as a _mother_ , although not a biological one, and say that Sofia would be best suited to stay with me.

I know a lot of it had to do with the fact that this is in fact her home, where she was raised. She was attending a great school. And that our family was here, our village. My parents migrated to northern California too, making more frequent visits. I had asked them not to come in support. Seeing my mom would've been too hard. And I don't think I could've listened to my dad try and berate Callie for 'dishonorable' decisions. I had heard it all before myself and it didn't feel good.

My lawyer made the argument that New York had no support for Sofia. The girlfriend would be busy with the grant, putting into question of how _reliable_ Penny would be if Callie somehow wasn't reachable. There were no family members, no village, and it's not like Callie's family is a huge presence in Sofia's life. Her dad did manage to fly in for support. And glared at me the whole time in the court room. At least he didn't throw me against a wall.

I still remember the look on Callie's face when the judge recited her decision. And I didn't feel _half_ as relieved as I thought I would.

Alex's voice shook me from my thoughts. "You know it's okay to have a life."

"I know. I just…I almost lost her. For the first couple of weeks I didn't even want to let her out of my sight."

"You heard from Torres?"

Barely. After the night she showed up at my house we had been pretty, distant. I felt like I had taken a huge step back in my post-Callie life. It wasn't fair for her to show up at my house. And it wasn't fair for me to let her infiltrate my soul like a rabid wolf.

It also wasn't fair that Callie now had to settle for scheduled visits, contingent on my approval. Power is sometimes not a good thing. Especially this kind.

"Kind of. She calls me at night and I just hand the phone over to Sofia. Usually we just text if we need to tell each other something."

Alex hit the button for the elevator. "Is she still pissed?"

"I wouldn't say she's pissed. More heartbroken." I couldn't even say anything to her after. And I don't think she could either. She was here for a couple of weeks, getting everything packed and shipped off before leaving. And I met her replacement, Dr. Humphrey. Who was even more of a dinosaur than Chang.

We didn't even really say goodbye either. Her and Penny had dropped Sofia off in the morning on their way to the airport. And it was hard to watch. Callie and Sofia were crying, and Penny was just…standing there awkwardly. I almost cried myself but once again, I had to be strong. And when Callie let her go and Sofia ushered into my arms, we still didn't say a word. She wiped her face and watched her daughter seek comfort with me.

There was a look. It wasn't too long, but enough for me to know that Callie didn't hate me. That she didn't, resent me. She _understood_ then. And that was honestly enough, for now. Because Callie also knew, that I'd still love her now, no matter what. We couldn't _truly_ hate each other.

Maybe I was selfish for telling her that. Or stupid. Callie makes me do weird things. And I don't know where we end in this, because we're never ending. We might have existed on the fact that we shared a child, and a hospital, but looking back I don't think that matters. Those things don't negate everything else.

There are times I feel settled, and then other times where I miss her. I had moved on from missing Callie, the wife and love of my life. That was becoming a nuisance to my psyche. It was the _little_ things that drove it home that she actually left. I couldn't help but stare longing at an empty chair during our board meeting last week. Or at her empty parking spot. Her name absent from the surgical board. She was really not there anymore. But maybe she'd come back. At least that's what she said.

"You know if she's coming back for a visit?"

"I don't know. Sofia said she's starting her new job this week, so maybe after that?"

"I still can't believe she left."

I glance at him, "Were we in the same court room?"

He shoots me a look, "All of that couldn't have been for nothing, sure. But to actually leave. I didn't think she would do it."

A part of me didn't think she would either. But she actually left. She was actually gone.

"Well, I hope she found what she was looking for."

And I actually mean it.

##

Meredith had been calling me, a lot. So was Owen. I spent the first few calls thinking that Meredith was just calling because she felt bad. For not testifying. Maybe she thought I was mad at her, that she's the reason why I lost. But I know it's not her fault, and I honestly don't think it would have made a difference.

My dad called a lot now too. He wasn't too happy with me when I told him I left Arizona. He thought I didn't try enough; I didn't take therapy or the marriage seriously. That I didn't try hard enough to keep my family together. Sometimes I think he's right. But nevertheless, he calls me, frequently. He met Penny for a moment, and after their meeting I asked him what he thought of her.

'Not much,' were his exact words.

Arizona might have cheated, and she might have fought for custody of his grandchild, but he still thinks better of her than Penny. He thinks _more_ of her. Which should've set up some more red flags.

New York is unsettling. The apartment is nice, and the city's so full of life. A far cry from Seattle. Because it wasn't home.

I don't know what I was thinking. I don't think I was. Hindsight's never been my friend.

Which is why I'm standing back in Sea-Tac, a month later. And I'm not the least bit embarrassed about it. Well…maybe a little. I accepted the fact that I was, in fact, pathetic. And delusional, and everything else that everyone told me but I refused to believe. I glance at my phone. Meredith's name pops up.

"Hey, I just landed."

"I know, I'm over in baggage claim. Hurry your ass up."

I don't even bother to respond. Slipping my phone back into my pocket I pick up my carry on and make my way to Meredith. None of my stuff was really unpacked, which didn't make my split decision that difficult. It wasn't really difficult at all. It was probably the easiest job the movers had.

Penny knew what was happening. She was too busy getting familiar with work. She was gone pretty much the moment we landed. She knew that this wasn't going to work when she realized I was still living out of my many suitcases of clothes. She didn't blame me either. It was pretty obvious that the thrill was gone.

She did apologize last night. Penny was timid, and apologetic for putting me in that position. I'm not mad at her, I can't be. She didn't force me to go with her. It was her who first brought up the long distance. She thought that we could do it. I was the one who took the bull by the horns, like always. Which I'm learning just hurts me in the end. Along with _anything_ else in my way. I was sad and I still am. But I know now that I didn't need Penny. I actually don't need anyone but my daughter. But what I want, that's _different_. They're not the same things.

I apologized too. I felt like I had led her, along with myself, to believe that this could work. That we loved each other enough to start over in a new place. I was prepared to take a step down in my career for this woman, so I know on _some_ level that I cared deeply.

But working lesser hours and moving away from everyone that I love, that wasn't me. And I thought for a brief moment that I could take my daughter away with me. I didn't know who I was, and I still don't. But I can figure it out. I will figure it out.

Losing custody of Sofia was what made me see. Of course, I was hysterical those last two weeks before I left. All I could think about was the fact that I wouldn't see my daughter for at least another month and a half. Sofia was mad at me for leaving. And then when I was actually gone, she was giving Arizona a hard time. Sofia was a naturally intuitive kid and very calm but her temper had sky rocketed.

Even then it didn't sink in.

Everything was already set in motion and planned out to where I guess…I didn't think I could stop it. I had broken my lease, gave Bailey my notice, everything was a done deal. I didn't think I was strong enough to put it to a halt.

There were a lot of things I had made a mess of. I'm still lost, and I still don't know where the hell I'm going to live, or what's going to happen. But I needed to be here. This is where my _heart_ is. And it's not that scary anymore. And I don't blame Arizona for knocking me on the head when she sees me.

I falter a little in my step. My heart flutters a little faster, its excited and not just because we're back home. I was pissed at first, when Arizona handed me her lawyer's card, and I was a little more pissed at myself for letting it get that far. I'm a little slow sometimes.

But I understand. I didn't want to put her through that. She was probably so scared to lose one more thing. Arizona and I, we're not good with loss. We also have loose ends, a lot of ends. I don't know what I was expecting showing up at her house that night. Maybe I wanted one more good reason to go. One last fight to push me over the edge. But for once Arizona didn't give me one.

Or maybe I wanted one more good reason to stay. I thought about that night a lot after. There were times when I was doing something so simple, like showering or reading a book that I would remember. Arizona told me to go. At the time I think she wanted me to go. To not be a standing reminder of what wasn't. And so I went. I'm trying not to be nervous about seeing her, but honestly I don't know what I'm going to get. Arizona's a little bit different. She's somewhat foreign to me.

I think she'll be skeptical, or maybe give me that disapproving mom look that looks just like her own mother's. But I'd like to think she'll be happy on some level, even if she doesn't say it. She loves me after all. At least I _hope_ she still does. And after everything that's happened I still love her too.

The thought makes me kind of giddy.

I see Meredith's head before I see the rest of her. She's standing there with her purse slung over her shoulder. It's only been a month, but god it feels good to see her. It's hard to believe that I thought I could just walk away from this place. Seattle ruined me at times, but it saved me more.

"Well, well, well," she stated, a smirk on her face.

I roll my eyes, dropping my carry on. I immediate grab her shoulders, pulling her into a big hug. It takes her a second to reciprocate. But she does nevertheless.

"Welcome home."

##

"Do you even know what you're going to say?"

"No."

"Sounds like you have this all figured out."

Most people would find this insensitive, but I appreciate Meredith's wit. My current situation is completely ridiculous that I don't blame her. I don't deserve her pity, or even understanding. But she's here anyway. She picked me up from the airport and kept my car at her house. Meredith's one of those people.

"You said Sofia's with Maggie?" I'm also antsy to see my daughter. The Facetime calls are just not enough when it's your kid.

"Yeah her and Amelia took the kids out for dinner and then a sleep over here later. Give Arizona a night to herself."

I sigh, "Yeah." From what she's told me, Arizona had been extremely busy, and it wasn't just with work. When she wasn't at the hospital her and Sofia were off on their next adventure. There were many visits to different museums and parks and play dates crammed into such a small window of time. And I know it's because she wanted to keep Sofia busy. Maybe keep herself busy too.

Meredith eyes the car keys in my hand, and then at the grey clouds above us. I missed the rain. "Are you sure you don't want a shot or something?"

"There's not enough tequila for this shit," I grumble, straightening my jacket. Going straight to Arizona's after picking up my car was the initial plan. The rest of it…I'm not too sure. Ideally I'd like to see Sofia first more than anything, but I can't without talking to my ex-wife. This situation was about Sofia at first, but some time along the way it became about us too.

Meredith smirks, patting me on the shoulder, "God speed."

Cranking the engine, I watch her wave to me happily. I flick her off.

She's enjoying this way too much.

##

You've got to be kidding. Like seriously, I'm hallucinating because Calliope Torres is not standing at my front door. Again. In the fucking rain. Looking all beautiful and lost, like a puppy. And I for one, freaking love puppies.

I love Callie, too. But a puppy didn't age me by 10 years, didn't rip my heart out of my body, or give Alex the nod to cut off my leg. A puppy didn't run off across the country with her 20 something girlfriend. Puppies are easier.

Calliope Torres is not. But then again, neither am I.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I came back."

A smirk makes its way to my lips, "I can see that." This is too bizarre to be real. My plan for the day was to literally do nothing. I wasn't even going to take a shower, but then the neat freak in me couldn't help it. So I showered and got dressed, and then proceeded to stare at the TV. There's a reality show for everything these days.

I had kept Sofia so busy with all the activities that I was stumped when Meredith pointed it out to me that Sof and Zola hadn't had a slumber party in quite some time. Of course, sleepovers are a little more hectic the older they get, but I wasn't worried. Maggie and Amelia would be there to run interference. They had become part of the village.

"How long are you here for?"

"For good," she replied with serious conviction. And honestly, I don't know what to do with this new piece of information. I was finally coming to terms with my new reality, my new life, and then she comes back. Our timing was never good either.

I shuffle my feet, one hand still firmly grasping my doorknob in an attempt to prevent it from wringing her neck. "That didn't take long."

Obviously. I'm looking at her, and she's not reluctant. Don't get me wrong, she looks a bit sheepish, and a little vulnerable. But Callie's sure about this. It also doesn't make me feel better. I'm happy that she's back, so now Sofia can see her and have both of us together again. Well, together without being…together.

She stuffs both hands into her jacket. I see a shiver run through her due to the rain. I noticed the rain this time.

"I'm sorry. I – I thought I knew what I wanted, what was best for me. I made a huge mistake with everything. A – and I tried to make it seem like something it wasn't. And I dragged you and Sofia into it. So I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry. For doing that. I'm not going anywhere."

There's this thing that I do now when I'm interacting with Callie. I actually stare too much. Way more than I used to, and before it was a longing, wistful look, in admiration. Now I look at her and try to see where she's changed. If she means what she's actually saying when I used to know instantly. I'm better at hiding it, and most people would think I don't look at Callie Torres at all unless it's absolutely necessary. But I do.

And I don't know if I want her apology, or even _need_ it.

I guess that's the morbid beauty of being ex-wives. You realize that down the line you don't really need them to do anything. You don't need the extra effort, or the therapy sessions. You don't tip toe around a conversation to avoid another argument. There's no expectations.

It just…it is what it is. My grip on the door knob loosens.

"You should dry off before you get sick."

##

"So you're back." I hear the tea kettle go off in the kitchen. Arizona likes to do things to avoid _other_ things. So I guess I'll let her do what she's got to do and just _hope_ she doesn't throw all that hot water on me.

"I'm back."

"Penniless."

…

She probably can't hear me, but I'm groaning miserably under the towel she threw my way after letting me inside. I'll give her that one. That's one thing I certainly won't miss. The bottomless jokes. Arizona's pretty funny and I know even she cannot contain a smile. She won't let me see it by any means, but I know she's giggling silently in the solace of her empty kitchen.

There are plenty of times where I think I don't know her. But at the end of the day…I kind of do.

I just sigh, ruffling my hair with the towel, "Yeah."

Arizona emerges from the kitchen carrying two mugs. She sits one down in front of me on the coffee table before sitting on the complete other end of the L-shape couch. Truthfully I didn't expect her to let me inside. I expected a door to my face, maybe some shouting and berating. And I was prepared to take it. Without a single retort or excuse. Mainly because I didn't realistically have one, but also because I deserved it. I deserved it a lot.

"Does Bailey know?" she asks conversationally. Her eyes peek up at me over her mug.

I rub my hands on my jeans, "Uh – well – no. Nobody knows really except for Meredith. Well, and you." I make an awkward grab for my own mug and take a little sip. I have the urge to not make any sudden movements. That if I startle the blonde, she'll snap out of the civility she's showing me.

"Hmm."

"Arizona," I lick my lips, "I really am sorry for putting you through that. I wasn't – myself…and I know that's not an excuse and I don't expect you to forgive me, but I just – I wanted you to know."

"Where are you staying?" Now's not the time I guess.

The mug is warm in my hands, and the tea is scorching hot but it feels good. The tea is good too, which I never really liked until Arizona got me into it. I still don't know what she adds to make me like it so much. "Meredith said I could stay with her this week. And I plan on looking for another place tomorrow."

Arizona purses her lips. The wheels are turning in her blonde head and I don't know if she's talking herself down from pummeling me, or saying something that might make her look vulnerable. But it's her rules now. She finally sighs, ending the argument in her head.

"Well if you end up settled in by the end of the week, you can have Sofia all next week."

Having Sofia with me, making sure she brushes her teeth or getting her ready for bed, that's the stuff I really missed. The little things that people don't really think about until they're gone. I know I'll see her by the time I get back to Meredith's. A Mami-daughter sleepover is just what I need. I really needed to find a place to live.

"Thanks."

Her eyes stare out the window. It's still wet outside but the rain has stopped pouring. "We'll have to arrange something more concrete, but she missed you…so we can just – wait…or something."

I want to bring it up. I want to talk about what we said that night in the rain, when I looked like a wet and selfish mess. Just thinking about it makes me blush. There's an apology due for that also, but I know she's not ready. I can tell she's still processing, and contemplating her next move if it is ever brought up again. And maybe soon I'll develop the courage to say something. To tell her that I wasn't just in love with the idea of love. That I wasn't just calling her the one because we were fighting and I was leaving. That I didn't say that just to lead her on.

But I won't tell her now. I'll give her time to process and I need time to get reacquainted with myself. But I will tell her, just not right now.

Because she's not ready. And neither am I. I never was to begin with, but the difference with everything else is that I know the truth.

"That's fine. You're the boss…" I close my eyes. That might have been too soon. "I better get going, Sofia and the kids should be home soon." The towel was already folded neatly over the arm of the couch.

Arizona nodded, "Okay."

"Thanks for –" I gesture towards the empty cup, "the tea. A – and the towel. It was really wet…outside." _Nice one_. Arizona blinks at my comment before setting down her tea and standing as well to walk me out the door. It's obvious now who's more put together.

"Yeah," is all she says in reply.

"Okay," I say, already on the door step, "bye." I smile politely and pretty much start an awkward scoot back to my car.

"Callie."

For a brief moment I close my eyes again. Because I had gotten through this short visit pretty unscathed, and I'd prefer it to stay that way. But once again, I would deserve it. I don't even bother to say anything as I turn around.

Arizona has her same right hand on the doorknob, and she's thinking again. Hard. This time she's biting her lip and her eyes were like saucers. It's actually endearing to look at. For an adult, Arizona's ridiculously cute. There's more she wants to know, more she wants to say but we both know it's not the time. She just takes a deep breath.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

Like I said, there's still a lot of questions I don't have the answers for. But I feel like that one kid waving their hand around the classroom because I actually know the answer to this one. And it feels good to know stuff. To not feel so confused. Because it's actually pretty clear. Now I've just confused her, because not only have I not responded, but I'm smiling.

"No, I just – what I was looking for…was always here."


	3. Bitter Sweet Thing

AN: Meep.

* * *

Coffee used to be my thing. At one point in my life, coffee was my reason for living. The reason I survived college, med school, residency, and I don't know… _life_. There's really nothing like that smell of coffee in the morning when you still feel like a zombie and your brain is still very much in hibernation. You feel the slow buzz of caffeine trickle through your body and things start to look a little more clearly.

The fact of the matter is, I freaking love it. Except now. I still drink it of course, but nothing makes me more dejected these days than a to-go coffee cup from the cart outside at work. Even worse? A _full_ to-go coffee.

"You know she looked a little busy…it makes sense to not want to wast –"

"Wilson, shut up."

Twenty-one cups of grande coconut mochas with extra whipped cream and Arizona didn't accept a _single_ one. I even requested Angie, the barista, to draw little _butterflies_ with chocolate syrup all over said whipped cream. Roughly 84 bucks down the drain. Which isn't really the point, I could care less about the money. But it was so unlike the blonde to just blatantly refuse coffee at all.

Of course Arizona's version of coffee was ridiculously over sugared and was more like dessert, but once that cup hit her little hands, it was like Christmas morning. She'd blow gently, her pink lips would just barely touch the to-go lid, her eyes bright in anticipation. The hot liquid would hit her taste buds and she'd wriggle her shoulders blissfully.

Essentially, Arizona made drinking _coffee_ adorable.

And I know she's rejecting my peace offerings because she's mad. I get that and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove to her that I am sorry. But I'm running out of ideas! Which was why I had sent Jo to give Arizona coffee that past seven times. Maybe throw her off guard or be more likely to accept it from someone that she actually likes.

I had initially asked Alex, who blinked at me before walking away. I didn't even deserve his usual douche bag response.

"So about that spinal fracture; are you planning on doing –"

"Just…give me a minute." I can't even think right now, let alone examine the scans clipped to every light box in the room. The only thing I can even focus on is this stupid, full, nasty liquefied sugar on the desk. And the fact that once again, I am a pariah.

"Torres are you almost done here because me and Hunt have a GSW and the scans aren't going to look at them themselves."

Great, just what I need. The Nazi. I looked at Jo, who looked at me, and then back at Bailey. She cleared her throat.

"Dr. Torres just needs a minute."

"Dr. Torres had over a month. Hell, what's one more minute?"

…

Things had been, tense since I came back. Tense actually didn't even cover it.

It took 2 days of groveling for Bailey to give me a start date. I really didn't need her approval to become part of the staff again, since I did own the place, but she was the one who delegated the schedule. And I really wanted to get back to work to keep myself busy. It had been too long since I stepped foot in an OR and I was completely okay with waiting until Humphreys' six-week contract ended to take my spot back as Chief of Ortho.

I know she's feels a certain way, she had made that abundantly clear, and she wasn't going to let me off the hook any time soon. Even Webber gave me the cold shoulder my first day back. It was like being back, without _actually_ being back.

For the most part everything went on as usual, only I knew what they all were thinking. What they were saying when I wasn't around. Giving me the side eye when they thought I wasn't paying attention.

I overheard the interns taking bets on how long it'd take me to run back to New York. Richardson in Derm was telling her new fellow about how horrible I was for trying to take Sofia away from Dr. Robbins, and how glad she was when I left for the sake of Arizona.

Dave in Radiology even asked me if Arizona really had a voodoo doll. It was ridiculous.

Even more ridiculous was the fact that I responded, telling him that I honestly didn't know.

The days of being Callie Torres, ortho goddess, badass mother flippin' rock star with a scalpel were officially over.

"We're done here. Wilson grab the scans please," I say lightly, standing up and dropping my phone into my lab coat. Jo starts grabbing all the films and stuffing them into a big brown envelope. I can feel Bailey watching my every move. She's almost begging me for a reaction. Everybody is. But I won't do it.

"Don't forget your coffee."

I give that coconut mocha one last glare. I put a smile on my face, although it feels like a grimace.

"You can have it."

###

"So that's it?"

"Apparently."

"That's it?"

"That's it. Suction, please."

Out of everyone else in my life, I never thought I'd be having _girl talk_ with Richard. It's hard to believe that he used to make me cry with nothing more than a stern look. He still makes me cry on occasion, but only when he's being unimaginably kind and supportive. Like when he took the stand and gave a sincere declaration of my abilities as an outstanding mother and surgeon. He said things that I didn't know he knew or even thought about me.

I could see April trying to get me to open up but we're still somewhat on the outs. We're still friends, but it's not quite like before. She still doesn't trust me, we're just not the same. And I don't know if we'll ever be. I'll just have to give it time and maybe one day, we'll be okay. When the stress of the baby and whatever she is with Jackson settles down.

"Well I've been a bit short with her since she's been back."

I grin beneath my scrub mask, throwing a stitch. Richard's the oddest mixture of father/brother/bestie all rolled into one. I didn't really need him to scrub in on my kidney transplant. He's got over 30 years of experience and was once the Chief of Surgery, but it was nice to have a friend standing across from you instead of a resident. Plus we're still a little _short-handed_ on residents.

"You don't have to do that." Normally I'd glance around the OR, daring anyone to repeat anything that is said. But for the first time, I really don't care what people say or think. Possibly losing the chance to be with my girl was enough to throw anything else out the window. Everything else is just…it's irrelevant.

Richard shrugs, "What was the point in the whole custody hearing if she was just going to run back after a month?"

I sigh, "I ask myself that same question. But what's important is that she is back, and now we won't have to put Sofia through any more crap."

"So that's really it." It's more of a statement than a question.

"Yes, Dr. Webber, that is _it_ ," I reply, releasing the clamp. I'm not a very big fan of urine, but nothing makes me happier when it comes to a kidney transplant. Peds surgeries were few and far between for me, especially since I was up to my eyeballs with dangerous pregnant women with sick unborn babies. So I was thankful when I was paged to do the transplant when Karev was tied up in a trauma.

"Well good for you for taking the high road."

"I'm trying." After verifying that the kidney is in and functioning, the rest goes by pretty fast but I try to savor it. I love what I'm doing in fetal medicine, but peds is my bread and butter. Even when I'm doing a standard close that a third year could do, I cherish every minute.

I'm almost sad it's over.

"Has she tried talking to you again?" Richard is persistent man.

"She's trying to…in the form of coffee."

"What?"

"She's sending me coffee as an ice breaker," I confess. It wasn't this difficult avoiding Callie before. And now, it's like she's everywhere with her apologetic eyes and nervous disposition. And coffee. It's everywhere too.

Richard frowns, "Don't you think that's a little…juvenile?"

The comment makes me chuckle. "Well yeah. But I haven't accepted a single one. Eventually she'll get impatient and just talk to me." I throw the hand towel into the hamper and grab my tablet, typing in some notes before meeting the parents.

"You think that's what she'll do?"

"That's Callie." As much as I dislike her right now, I dislike the fact that I _still_ know her better than anyone else, including myself.

As weird as it was not seeing her around anymore for that one month, it's even more weird now that she's back. Sofia is back to that happy-go-lucky kid that I missed. There were times I still saw that side of her, but it had definitely been watered down. It was hard for her at first to understand what was happening, but when she did, _boy_ was she a pain in the ass.

It was understandable, but I didn't know when it was going to settle down. Nobody could say she wasn't aware of her emotions. I wonder where she got that from.

"So you mentioned Torres has Sofia tonight…"

"Uhm, yeah," I reply, untying my scrub cap. "I get her back tomorrow."

"You up for trivia night?" He hits the button for the elevator and looks at me hopefully.

The proposal gives me pause. _Am I up for it?_ I haven't been out with Richard in a couple of months. Sure we had breakfast before work and hung out at the hospital, but trivia night had been put on the back burner. And then I got custody of Sofia and that wasn't even an option for me. To be honest I hadn't even thought about dating.

I don't even know if I _want_ to.

Richard seemed to have sensed my hesitancy.

"You're a mother and a surgeon, Robbins. But you're not dead."

"Still dreaming about those jalapeño poppers?"

###

"You really don't have to do this."

"I'm just trying to eat my delicious lunch."

"This is a pity lunch, it's not the same thing."

Owen smirked, twirling a fork around in his plate of spaghetti. "It tastes all the same."

Sitting in the cafeteria was a bad idea but Owen had dragged me from the lab and said that I needed to face my fears head on. Only there's not a single person in this room that I'm actually scared of. I'd just prefer them not to blatantly stare.

"What tastes the same?"

"She's just offended that I bought her lunch."

"It's a _pity lunch_." And that fact I cannot stress enough.

Meredith smirked around her straw, "He's right. It tastes the same. People stare, that's what they do to people like us."

Owen nodded, "It's true. Who says they're staring at you?"

"Yeah, you're not the center of the universe."

"Okay, you've made your point." I stab at my fork into a hunk of lettuce. It seemed everyone chose now to take their lunch break. Me and Owen were barely able to find a table. But when we did, it was smack tab in the middle of the room. _Wonderful._

My eyes narrowed at the sight of Cross stumbling in through the cafeteria doors. He swung his body around, his white lab coat billowing about. When we finally made eye contact, my heart dropped as he headed in our direction.

"No no no no no no –"

"Dr. Torres."

"No," I snapped.

Owen and Meredith stared. "Uh – Callie what –"

"Dr. Robbins said thank you but…no – thank you," the intern admitted softly. He set the once again, full cup of coffee on the table. "But she _really_ did seem –"

"Busy? Of course she did, she's always freaking busy!"

Aaandd now they're really staring.

Meredith smiled apologetically, "We got it Cross, thank you." The blonde nodded thankfully before disappearing in the sea of white and shades of blue. I didn't even bother to thank him myself, I couldn't tear my eyes away from another cup untouched. That Grey-Sloan logo was looking more and more ugly by the day.

Meredith cleared her throat. When I looked up she had lowered her head to my level.

"You're pathetic."

Owen dropped his fork, "No – you're not. That's – that's not what she meant."

"That's _exactly_ what I meant. You really think coffee is going to make her want to talk to you?"

"At this point nothing will."

Owen shrugged, "You could try just…talking?"

"I can't just talk to her. I need a casual reason to approach her in the first place, or her me, and then we can really talk more."

"What do you need to talk about? I thought Sofia's schedule was already planned out?" Meredith asked slyly.

She's really enjoying this way too much.

"Well there are other things," I reply simply. "And I don't want it to be weird between us now that I'm back. Not like before."

"I wouldn't say it was weird," Owen trailed, looking to the general surgeon for backup.

"It was pretty weird. You guys were way too civil. And those fake friendly laughs?" she scoffed, " _terrible._ "

"I liked you so much better when I was in New York."

"Maybe, but did you like yourself?"

Owen winced.

###

For people that really know me, they know that cooking was never really my thing. Of course, I managed without burning anything, but actually looking forward to it, not so much. Growing up my mom was the chef of the house, occasionally letting me stir or chop something, but the kitchen was my mom's domain.

And then of course I went to college, then med school, and a real home cooked meal was few and far between. Ramen, TV dinner, and pop tarts were my go-to's during that time. And then, when I was a surgeon…that didn't really change. Exchanged Ramen for Chinese or whatever take out restaurant within a two-mile radius. Sure I'd cook every now and then, but it didn't bring me that satisfaction that a lot of people get.

But then I had a family. Callie's an awesome cook, but like me, she rarely did. But when Sofia was born we cooked every single night, Mark included.

Mark might have died and me and Callie were about as familiar with each other as the new anesthesiologist but I still cooked. And after some initial errors, I was damn good at it. It was amazing how much time I had on my hands.

So I decided to take Richard up on his offer, but not before cooking dinner for us before we went out. I don't know if Catherine cooks or not, but I saw the man's eyes glaze over at the mention of my pork tenderloin with roasted potatoes. Blows jalapeño poppers out of the water _any_ day of the week.

My first surgery wasn't until 11 tomorrow, which would also give me some time to sleep in a bit and finish up some laundry. If somebody had told me in my twenties that I'd be pushing 40 and excited at the idea of laundry, I'd page Psych for an evaluation. But…this was what I had.

Ironically enough it made me chuckle.

The elevator doors are just about to close when a very familiar leather covered arm appears out of nowhere. I'd know that arm anywhere.

The rest of Callie's body comes into view when the doors slide all the way open and I can feel the smile slip from my lips. It's not intentional, but…I don't know what to do with her. What to say, how I'm supposed to feel. I feel a lot, but is it right? Is it warranted? Am I just being _stubborn_?

"Hey." I watch her and she gingerly steps into the metal box. I nod and side step to give her more room.

Callie's not a quiet person. Even when she's not talking, you can still _hear_ everything else. The not so steady breathing, the shuffle of her boots, the wheels turning in her head. The husky sigh exhaled through her plump lips. She's not quiet.

And this elevator is _slow_.

Her right boot begins tapping on the floor. I need this elevator to get to the first floor _now_ because I know what that means.

Movement out of the corner of my eye causes me to flinch, and not by surprise. Callie jerked forward and pulled the emergency stop lever. I grabbed onto the metal railing to keep my balance from the sudden but calm halt of the elevator. I knew she couldn't do this forever, but did it have to be in the _elevator_ of all places?

She's biting her lip nervously, maybe regretting her choice of environment.

"I uh – I know that I might look like a crazy person basically stalking you with coffee but I – I don't know what else to do. I know you're mad and I understand. I want to do whatever it takes to prove to you that I'm not some flakey person who's just going to run off again at the next guy or girl that comes along. I just…I haven't liked myself in a long time and Penny made me like myself. There are," she ran a hand through her dark hair, " _many_ reasons why I left, reasons that I don't need to get into now, but I'm not leaving. And we are Sofia's parents, and I think for the sake of her we should get along, like we used to before. No!" she exclaims, " _better_ than before."

Her rambling is still endearing. And she has that same look on her face. Like she's sure, and determined, and Callie Torres. Of course she still looks like a crazy person, but I'd rather hear this than 'I'm moving to New York' again.

But I still don't know what to say. I feel like if I open my mouth, nothing good will come out. Like I said, I'm glad she's back, but that doesn't change the hell we went through. What we took from each other. The pain that I still feel _somewhere_ in the deep recesses of heart.

"I have plans tonight."

My tone suggests dismissiveness and I watch as she flinches at my words. A tan hand reaches forward and a few seconds later the metal box is moving again.

It used to be so easy for me to just forget about anything she did. Callie could've done _anything_ to me and I probably wouldn't care because at least we'd be together. The past few years brought me back to life, but they also made me a little hard. I still smile brightly and do my job as a doctor and mother, but there's always that small part that remains guarded.

But, I have to start somewhere I suppose. We _are_ stuck with each other forever. I can do this for Sofia.

"Green tea."

"What?"

There were times I said too much and times I didn't say enough. I'm not sure when I'll be ready or when she'll be ready. But at least I know we'll both be around if or when that time comes.

I secure my purse over my shoulder just as the doors open to the lobby. I chance one more look at Callie, who still remains confused.

"Green tea with lemon and honey. That's – that's what I drink now…instead of coffee." A wave of understanding washes over her face.

Her smile is infectious.

"Okay," she puffs out, relieved, and I can't help but roll my eyes a little.

"Goodnight, Callie."

I'm three steps from the exit when she finally responds lamely with, "Night!" And her voice is far enough away to know she's still standing in the elevator.

And I'm still smiling.


	4. Cause If I Want You

AN; Little bit of a time jump. And yeah, finale sucked. I know SaRa deserves this time off; but a part of me is devastated. I'm excited to see what she's got in the pipeline. And excited to see if they give Arizona anything good next season. And no, I'm not going to stop writing. If anything my imagination will completely run wild this summer.

Side note; still working on BFT, haven't given up on it.

Nick Jonas's song Close feat. Tove Lo was my inspiration for this chapter. Enjoy.

* * *

 _Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space._

"So…Sofia tells me that you cook – a lot now."

Callie's been doing this occasionally since she's been back. And I don't know if it's guilt, or her truly wanting to have a conversation…but it's – I don't know…weird. We're familiar with each other, been together at one point, but it's still different. It's not the same and it could have something to do with the custody situation. At least on my part because I know that my feelings about it are still very much real.

But I usually just let her talk and give the occasional response.

"I mean I know that you know how to cook but she said you do it like – twice a day now."

The comment makes me blink. "Yeah usually just the weekends but during the week I always cook dinner unless I get stuck here."

She nods her head casually, glancing at the OR board. "You're pretty much in the OR all day…"

And she's right. It's pretty busy for me today. I'm always running around like crazy but today I'm not doing any consults or meetings. I'll be surprised if I have enough time to eat lunch. The beauty of being the one of the 3 fetal surgeons on the West Coast.

"Yep…good thing you're taking Sof tonight. I don't know what time I'm getting out of here."

I've decided to keep our usual arrangement. I didn't see the point of changing it since Callie was apparently back, for good. I'm still skeptical, only because there's a lot of things I didn't think Callie would do, and she did them. I guess time will tell.

"Yeah I'm making lasagna tonight and I already have those yogurt popsicles in the freezer," Callie excitedly replied. "I don't understand the appeal, but she loves them."

"Yeah," I smirk, "they're weird." Even for me.

"Okay," she claps her hands together, "I'm gonna – go. Have a good day." And just like that she scoots away. As eager as she is to come up and talk to me she's even more eager to get away. It's probably me. I probably make her uncomfortable because she knows deep down that I'm still pissed, but I'm not doing anything about it. I'm not yelling, or crying, or being a scorned ex-wife by limiting her time with Sofia. I'm not doing much of anything.

"Can you forgive her yet, or is it still too soon?"

Me and Richard talk about this often, even me and Deluca. But Meredith? Not so much. Despite the fact that we survived a plane crash together and I've operated on her _adoptive_ daughter, she's more Callie's friend than mine. I was relieved that she didn't testify but she was still there for Callie more than me.

"When I want to, I will." I add a resident to my last surgery later this evening before capping the marker.

And I know Meredith knows this. Since court she's been friendly. Not like she wasn't friendly before, but it's more…light. She speaks with a little bit of a higher pitch in her voice. At least to me. But Mer's been a little weird lately too.

She sighs, tapping her thin fingers on the tablet in her hand, "For what it's worth, she knows she fucked up. Like really bad."

"I would hope so."

"And she's trying," she smiled, "just…let her dangle a little bit longer."

That makes me smirk, "Will do." It gives me some sort of comfort to know that Meredith probably called Callie out on her mistakes. She's a good friend. Just not to me. But it's okay. Or it will be.

I have to believe that it will all be okay.

###

The first time it happens I thought she was joking. Seriously, I thought she was just being a bitch. Which isn't exactly Arizona's disposition, but I'm still figuring her out. I still believe that I know her more than myself, but yet still understanding who she is now.

I know, we're a huge contradiction.

Sofia has turned into a social butterfly, which isn't surprising at all. So the fact that she had multiple school and after-school activities gives us a full schedule. We knew at birth that missing anything in her life was just not an option. Kind of makes me feel stupid that I ever considered giving it up.

But Arizona proposed we all ride together to Sofia's soccer game. I was going to just meet them there, maybe get some dinner after. But Arizona purposefully stopped by the OR in the middle of a tib-fib repair and asked _over the intercom_ if we could all ride together. And don't even get me _started_ on the stares and hushed voices. I nearly dropped the metal rods in my hand.

It wasn't as awkward in the car either. It probably would have been if it wasn't for the chatterbox in the backseat. But it makes me thankful and relieved. Arizona drives with ease while casually sipping on a _green tea with lemon and honey_. She eyes me briefly.

"You managed to get Angie to make it just right."

I wipe my hands on my jeans, "I actually mixed it in." And she smirks.

It feels right, standing there next to her, cheering Sofia on. The nature of the game isn't that serious, but I can't help but laugh as Arizona practically growls at the referee for not seeing the little shithead that tripped our girl when she got the ball. Seriously, she could've gotten hurt, but she gets back up like the little soldier she is and carried on.

And then when the game ties, I laugh again as Arizona grumbles about how they should've won. I thought I'd be the competitive one but Arizona's streak is rough. Perhaps when Sofia gets older, I'll become unbearable.

"Mommy I did what you told me to!" Sofia yells as we make our way back to the car. She's covered in dirt and grass stains and Arizona covers the backseat with towels from the trunk.

"I know, those drills before bedtime really paid off, huh?" the blonde replies before letting Sofia get into the back.

"No, about when I fell! You said whenever you used to fall you always got back up."

The leg was never the problem. For a short time, it was everything. But looking back, it didn't really matter. We made it matter. And maybe Arizona has come to terms with it. I'm still itching to get that bionic leg on her, but I won't push it. When she's ready, I know she'll come to me. But she seems to be managing well. She's not as stubborn about it; always taking it off before she goes to bed, resting when she has a break between surgeries.

All the things we didn't do we do now.

"Well I still fall sometimes, baby girl."

"But –" I interject, "she'll always get back up. Right, Sof?"

"Right! Like a good man in a storm," she muses, already entranced with her iPad.

"Exactly."

And for just one second, I think Arizona's entranced by me too.

###

The second time turned into dinner at her place. I was dropping Sofia off after work and Arizona had the meal pretty much set up at the dinner table. It was standing there awkwardly at the delicious smells. The whole atmosphere was just…it was home. Only it wasn't my home.

"Have you eaten?"

"No I was just going to whip something up when I got home." Meaning the left over mac and cheese I made the night before. I don't know if Arizona knows this, but when Sofia isn't with me, I don't cook. At least, nothing good. Usually I binge watch whatever's on Netflix and call it a night. Unless Meredith drags me over to her place.

But it's okay, because I'm still happy. I read, and I just got a journal that helps me get my thoughts together. Just recently I've taken up yoga with Maggie. I'd rather be lifting weights or something, but it's relaxing. Sure I get lonely, but I'm better. I'm starting to feel like that doctor, that person, that I was. Like a better edition of myself; Callie 2.0 so to speak.

Arizona pursed her lips, thinking.

"Stay, I'll make an extra plate." And so I stayed.

Sofia wasn't kidding, Arizona's _really_ gotten good at cooking. The salmon with couscous was mouthwatering and Sofia managed to eat it without whining about the tomatoes or feta cheese. She poured me a glass of wine and just like that, it almost seemed normal.

The blonde even asked me about my surgeries of the day, any projects I was working on, like she was my wife again. Encouraging me when I felt unsure, congratulating me when I succeeded. I don't need it, and I know she doesn't need to do anything, but it works. It fits. Like a pair of jeans I thought I lost forever. But when you find them, usually when you least expect it, it's a gift.

"Mama should come over every night for dinner."

"Maybe we can have Mommy over next," I add innocently. Arizona meets my gaze over her wine glass. The lighting in the dining room is dim, making her eyes brighter than usual. The wine might have been getting to my head, but it was that same look that used to have me raring to go in about 2 seconds flat.

I still don't know what it means, what we mean. Are we even…something? There's no concrete answer, and that's okay. I just…I don't want it to end. I want it to be like this. If there's more in the cards, that'd be fine too. But this…sitting here having dinner – like a family, this I'm not giving up.

"That'd be awesome, it's better when we're together," Sofia adds, shoveling another spoonful of couscous into her mouth.

Arizona clears her throat, smiling at her choice of words.

"That would be awesome, huh?"

###

She looks different. Her hair's longer and she has highlights. Even her makeup is different. And it smells like she's changed her perfume.

"I got a new hair stylist," is what she tells me. Maybe she did, I don't know. I'm not privy to that kind of information anymore. All I'm saying is she's changed, physically. Her wardrobe seems different, but yet the same. It's like when we first got together. Maybe that confidence that I used to love is coming back. It doesn't matter that it's taken some time, just that she got there.

"You – uh…you smell good," I mention lightly at the OR board. She glances over her shoulder briefly.

"Amelia got it for me. Said it smells perky," she explains. "Whatever that means."

I shrug, securing my hair under my scrub cap.

"Yeah, but like a – sexy…perky," I manage to spit out. "Have a good surgery," wisps out of my mouth and I force my legs to move as fast as they possibly can. It seems where Arizona's gaining her confidence, I'm slowly losing mine. At least when it comes to her. She is always the exception.

The scrub room can't arrive soon enough. I look back for a second to check if anyone else heard me because that is the _last thing_ I need. More jokes about how I've become a groveling loser. They might be right, but that's between me and Arizona.

No one's there but the blonde and the nurse at the desk.

But Arizona's looking at me. Not in confusion or disdain. It's something else. Her eyes trailed from my heels to my eyes. It's a thoughtful stare, with a touch of something I can't quite place. And I don't have the confidence or the time to figure it out.

I'm scrubbing helplessly at my wrist when it hits me. _She was checking me out._

Just like that, I'm taken back to the beginning inside that dirty bar bathroom.

" _I think you'll know."_

And I'm giddy.

###

The third time, even _Bailey_ couldn't have seen it coming. And that woman knows everything.

"Come on, you have to come to Joe's," Meredith begs during lunch. "Amelia and Owen volunteered to watch the kids."

"That sounds like the worst idea ever. She had a meltdown watching your kids for a day."

"That's why Owen's helping. Maybe it'll scare them into not having kids anymore." Meredith's been a little weird since the wedding. Especially when it concerns her sister-in-law and person's ex-husband. I should probably ask why, but I can barely think straight without a certain blonde entering the vicinity of my brain. So I don't say anything about that.

"What's the point in this again?"

"Nothing, except the fact that it's been 3 months and there's been no natural disaster, or death, or anything that is normal to our daily lives."

It makes me think for a second because there really hasn't been. Sadly, it's weird and completely out of the ordinary. I guess that is a reason to celebrate.

"Plus you just got your position back," Maggie adds innocently. "That's something to drink to."

As if that was ever _not_ going to happen. Humphreys' didn't know his ass from his finger. But I persevered, did my time. Took orders from someone that had no business being the head of a department.

"Arizona's going to be there," Meredith states lightly, eyeing me over her burger. She knows she has me. People like to think Meredith is that sad, alone widow. But she's just as conniving and clever as she's ever been. It doesn't matter what happens to that woman. She's always going to be Meredith.

I shrug, "So? All the more reason for me to keep Sofia."

"What did I just say? Owen and Amelia. Will. Watch. The. Kids."

"Come on Callie. It should be fun. I got the first round." I for one have never turned down a free drink. Unless it's Early Onset Alzheimer's. That shit will kill you. Or get you pregnant.

"Fine, I'll go," I grumble, chewing on my straw.

Meredith glances at her sister, "I had her at Arizona."

"That's not true."

"Don't even. You two are running around here all blushing and googly eyed." Maggie smirks knowingly.

"Whatever." I can't even say anything else because it just might be true.

 _Is Arizona blushing and googly eyed?_

We meet almost daily at the coffee cart, and when we don't I'm still sending her a green tea. I've slowed it down to about once a day. Unless I see she's got some crazy surgeries scheduled, then I double it up and add in a pound cake or muffin. I know I don't need to, she's a grown woman that can get her own stuff, but I _want_ to. She's not annoyed, or berating me for doing it for her. She's thankful and always surprised.

Our dinners with Sofia are almost daily, alternating between houses.

We have family picnics in the park and went to the zoo last weekend. It's still awkward in the beginning, especially when I catch her staring. Or maybe I'm staring. I don't know, there's just a lot of lingering looks that make my body tingle and float at the same time. There's even been some light touching. On my part anyway. It's always on accident.

 _Sometimes I get caught up._

But she doesn't shy away. I think she's going to…but she doesn't. And it's surprises me every single time.

There's more laughter, more jokes, more of _everything_. And I know I made the right decision to come back. There really wasn't any other option.

Sometimes there's only one.

###

Drinking's always a good idea. Until it's not. College taught me that, which is why I try to refrain. I think the last time I got really drunk was with April in the supply closet. Which I don't really like thinking about.

When you're sober drunk people can be pretty annoying, but I've always found it funny. I don't even get mad, I just enjoy. I'm enjoying a lot of things.

I was hesitant, going to Joe's with everybody. It seemed like such a morbid thing to go to. Nobody's died, the sky hasn't fallen. I'd rather scrub in on a trauma that I know will occur tonight. It's rained all day, which is normal, but it's not raining now. It's calm. Which means that there will definitely be some crash that Seattle will grace our hospital with.

I don't even know how we're not on call.

Joe continues to serve me glasses of wine, tell me how the twins are doing. Richard is by my side, sipping on a Diet Coke.

"Sofia with Hunt and Shepherd tonight?"

Joe slides a shot of tequila to me. I don't have to ask, and he doesn't have to say anything.

"Yep. We'll see how that goes."

Zola and Sofia are very capable children after all.

"I'm sure they'll manage. Gives you and Torres a night off," he adds in.

Richard's been asking a lot of questions about Callie. And I answer them. But I guess…I don't know what I'm feeling. The anger – it's not as bad. I don't even know if it's there. But what I do know is that I'm…kind of happy. I'm happy with our arrangement, and dare I say – _excited_ when I see her.

She doesn't ask for more, or want to talk about it. And that's what I need right now. At least until I figure things out because I can't give anyone anything. I can barely manage to call my parents once a week. I don't give too much away, a big part of me doesn't want to. I don't think it's a game, that's never been me. All I can do right now is enjoy what's going on. Just when I think she'll lay off or leave again, she doesn't. Maybe she's proving herself, convincing me that things will be different. So far they have been.

Truthfully, she doesn't need to prove to me that she's a good mom, or a good person. I know all those things. The trust is slowly trickling back into my body and I don't know if I'm more scared or at peace. Maybe both.

Needless to say, I'm enjoying it.

Callie's on the other end of the bar, at a table with Meredith and Maggie, along with Riggs of all people. That I'm still trying to figure out. I can tell Callie's had a few drinks because her body's moving a _little_ too comfortably to the playlist Alex set up at the juke box.

Not that I mind really. I find myself watching her more. Like before when she invaded every sense in my body. I went years trying _not_ to look at her like that. I can't really help it though. After all this time, I still _can't_ stop looking at her. All the control I have diminishes and I turn into something else. Into someone else.

She's just…too stunning. Her hair is too luxurious; her smile is too breathtaking. Her eyes are too intense. Her body's too sexy, and the way she's moving now is almost filthy but in the best way. She's too much.

"You're staring," Richard teases.

Tipping the shot glass, I slam it back down on the bar top. At least Callie sent me the good stuff. It doesn't even burn until it reaches my stomach. Even then it's not too bad. The glasses of wine I've went through might have something to do about it. I might be drunk in a little bit. Or it could be something else.

"I know."

"Well," he murmurs, "what are you going to do about it?" He's got that sly glimmer in his eye. I don't know his angle, but I trust him. He really is my best friend in this place.

"You're Team Callie now?" I probe.

"I'm Team Arizona," Richard clarifies. "But…you two have been getting along lately. Who says time can't heal all wounds?"

"I guess –" I shrug, "we'll have to see how that goes, too."

"Where do you want it to go?"

"I don't know…somewhere?" I confess. "Things are better, but they're still so messed up. And I don't want to say anything and possibly ruin it all. I like how things are. And I like that she's back and being nice and we're…it's almost like a family again. And I want that. I've missed that. I missed _her_. But I don't know what to do. Somewhere is all I know." So I might be tipsy.

"It's better than nowhere."

The statement makes me sigh, "Perhaps."

The music gets a little louder, the crowd gets bigger. The bar gets hotter, although that might just be me. Or Callie. I know she's a bit inebriated, but her moves are still controlled and rhythmic while everyone else kind of moves just because. Callie never moves just to move. It's in her soul, her genetic makeup to dance to every single beat with perfection. And I still can't look away.

I can't even look away when she meets my eyes across the bar. I'm not sure if I want to. I've tried to ignore it, brush it off. But you can't deny chemistry. Maybe that's why all my dates were never more than a night. Maybe chemistry is why I'm sitting here, unable to pay attention to anything else.

And I think Callie knows it. Maybe she's known it all this time. But for once, she's not pushing it. At least not yet.

She's still turning, dancing with others, but every few seconds our eyes meet again. She's seducing me with her eyes, and it's almost working. Her hands lightly graze her neck and go slowly down her torso. The music's not so loud anymore.

But she's probably drunk, and I'm not too far away. There's still that subconscious part of my brain that is aware that this is not healthy. This isn't…conducive. But…what do I really know? I just told Richard I don't know anything.

Callie's affecting in a way she hasn't in a while. My face is burning. My hand curls around my wine glass tightly. I can barely breathe. I drain the glass.

"I have to go."

"Well hold on, I'm driving you home, remember?"

"Bathroom," I state shortly before heading towards the back. The small bathroom is quiet, and a lot cleaner than the last time I was in here. I splash cold water on my forehead and the back of my neck. It cools me down a little bit, and I was right. I'm flushed. Grabbing a couple of paper towels, I dry my face and neck, wiping off stray mascara from the corner of my eyes.

"Just breathe. Settle down. Don't get ahead of yourself," I murmur like a crazy person. After a few seconds, it's starting to work. My hands are still gripping the sides of the sink, but I feel a little better. My heart rate slows down…I think I'm okay for now.

I need to get out of here before I do something stupid.

"Hey."

 _Too late._

"Hey," my voice comes out in a rasp. I chance a look up.

Callie's leaning against the door, her hands behind her back. Her face is a little red from all the dancing, but she looks good. Alive. Happy but, nervous.

She tilts her head smartly.

"Peds, right?"

A chuckle leaves my lips. I guess I can play along. It's just talking, right?

"Yeah, and fetal."

"I know, I've seen you at the hospital." Her eyes peruse my face and it's like she knows. She knows that it's taking everything I have not to fall into her again. Maybe it's taking everything she has not to let me. Or to fall in herself.

I nod mutely, leaning against the sink now. I cross my arms, digging my heel into the corner of a tile. I'm not so cool right now. The heat follows Callie.

"Having fun?" I manage to ask awkwardly.

"Are you okay?" Her voice is low, it's almost a hushed question. Like we're not the only ones in this tiny space. Like if she says it louder, everyone will hear. It's a secret, only between us.

My teeth grit painfully.

"I'm fine, it's just – getting hot out there."

"Yeah," she replies knowingly. A tan hand runs through her wavy locks the same time a sigh leaves her red painted lips. "I know I probably shouldn't say anything. No – I shouldn't be saying anything. But I want to tell you that I'm glad that we're…well – like this."

"Me too."

"And that makes me happy. I'm so happy you – you have no idea," she giggles for a moment. "I'm home. This is where I'm supposed to be. And we've been getting along and that makes Sofia so happy, too. But I know…that you know there's something going on between us. And maybe I'm reading too much into it and I don't want to ruin anything but you have to feel it too. So, I'm slightly drunk, otherwise I wouldn't even follow you in here. But I need to know, is it all in my head?"

Somehow in the middle of her spiel she's standing right in front of me. If I dropped my arms the backs of our hands would be touching. She looks nervous and vulnerable, fully aware that this could very well turn into something unpleasant and something neither of us can take back. And I don't have the strength to lie to her.

"No," I reply solemnly, "it's not."

A deep exhale leaves her mouth, it distracts me for a second. "O – okay. Good. I just don't want to mess it up. Whatever this is."

"Me neither." There's nothing else to say. We both know what this is. There's no actual word for it, at least I don't think, but we know. That's what matters.

She's calmed down, the crease between her brows have gone away. But she's still looking at me with this intensity that leaves me unable to look away. Every single time. Her perfume invades my senses. She's too close, but a part of me thinks she isn't close enough.

A piece of my hair curls around her finger. I barely feel the tiny pull at my scalp. Her eyes follow the motion before looking at me again.

"You look gorgeous."

The compliment comes out with such ease it sounds like she rehearsed it if it wasn't for the sudden shakiness at the end. She's like that delicious meal you know you shouldn't eat because you're on a diet. You watch it longingly, day dream about having it again. It trickles into your brain at the most inopportune times. You know you shouldn't go there, shouldn't eat it. Maybe one day, when you've accomplished that 20-pound weight loss, you'll succumb to the temptation.

"I should go."

Richard's probably twiddling his thumbs at the bar, waiting to take me home so he can go to his own home and call his wife. And I need to go home and – figure this out. Whatever it is. And Callie needs to stop looking at me like she's on a diet. We both do.

"Why?"

"Callie," I warn. She mirrors my position earlier, both hands on either side of the sink. She's trapped me, although I'm not sure if I actually am.

"Do you want me to stop?"

My body has a mind of its own, uncrossing my arms and holding on to her wrists. I'm holding them tight, feeling the flutter of her pulse.

"No, and that's the problem," I whisper across her lips.

She leans her forehead against mine, "Why does it have to be a problem?"

And maybe it doesn't have to be.

My lips grab hers. I don't think she expected it because she gasps quickly before leaning into me. I bite her bottom lip gently, and her tongue swipes mine before entering my mouth. My tongue peeks out, my hand leaves one wrist and grabs the back of her neck. She's moaning, and her hand sneaks up my side, scraping my ribs. We're both moaning and should probably take a breath, but I know I can't, and neither can she.

It's always too much, but never enough. I don't know how we got here, and maybe I'll never find out. But what I do know now…is that maybe – we can't walk away. Maybe that's the point.

My hand had made its way into her hair, and I pull at her roots, forcing her head up. She groans erotically, she likes a little pain from what I remember. My head dips to her shoulder and I bite down. She whimpers, pulling my hips farther into hers. My tongue runs over the bite, soothing it. She's holding on to me like a life line. This…maybe this is home.

And I know if I don't leave, it will go further. That's how we were. But it can't be how we are now. Our lips meet one last time. Slowly. And her eyes finally open. Slowly.

We're still as close as we can be. I can feel her heart beating against my own. The two have developed their own beat, just like they always do. Every single time.

"It's not a problem, Callie. You are not a problem. Do you understand that?"

Her nose nuzzles against mine. "Do you?"

"I do. It's just…sometimes it's –"

"Too much?"

"For now."

"Okay." She accepts it when in the past maybe she wouldn't. She would fight me; we would fight each other.

"I'll see you later."

"See ya," she replies, giving me one last soft kiss. Her grip on me loosens, and I pull away. I'm moving shakily. It might be from the alcohol or the kiss.

Or maybe my body knows that instead of walking away, I should stay.

And one day I will stay.

Just…not tonight.

 _Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close._


	5. Find A New Way

AN; Had to take a break from the upcoming heaviness of BFT. I've got chapter 6 almost done for this too. All Callie POV and then Arizona's got her turn next chapter.

Enjoy.

* * *

Chapter 5: Find A New Way

There are more productive ways to spend my Sunday morning. I could be cleaning, or catching up on my reality shows. Hell, I could even be hitting Arizona and Sof up for brunch followed by an afternoon at the park. Any of these things might be more productive, but I can't leave.

Mainly because I've managed to knock half a bottle of tequila with Meredith, who is in the middle of her notorious frenzies. I've been there for a couple of them, and she's been there for me when I needed it. But even I couldn't have seen this coming. If I paid more attention, then I might have.

But needless to say, I'm drunk/surprised/amused, because Meredith managed to engage in what sounds like very crazy, dangerous sex with Nathan Riggs, in the back of her car. And if I didn't know any better, I'd say she wants it to happen again.

I'm not one to judge, and I'm not going to. I'm all for hot sex in inappropriate places. But Meredith with anyone other than McDreamy just seems like a crime. I can't imagine how she feels.

"You have every right to move on, Mer. It's okay if you like Riggs."

He'll never be Derek, that's for sure. And I think she knows that, but it doesn't make it less difficult. Perhaps that's what the bottle of tequila is for.

"Callie you don't get it. Maggie likes him. Like really likes him. I had sex with my sister's crush!"

The statement makes me wince. Because yeah, that's kind of bad. As weird and annoyingly young as she is, Maggie's a good person. She does the right thing, is there for anyone at any time type of person. So this isn't really good. I didn't have a dog in this race and even I feel bad for the Chief of Cardio.

I take a tiny swig from the bottle before Meredith grabs it back from me, "Are you gonna tell her?"

"I don't know."

"Okay."

She stops her pacing before kicking me in the shin, hard.

"Ow! What the fu –"

"You're supposed to be helping me!"

"How am I supposed to help you with this?! You already screwed him!"

Meredith sighs, plopping down next to me, "He doesn't even know how she feels."

"You don't think so?"

"No."

"Do you like him?"

"I don't know."

###

I'm not usually like this. We're not like this. We don't spend all day drunk when there's a crisis. Maybe at one point yes, but me and Mer have come a long way from that. We're adults, surgeons, mothers, so this type of thing just doesn't happen anymore. So it's a good thing the kids are with Arizona and Amelia. I don't know how Meredith managed to pull that off, but it works.

So since we are inebriated, pizza is a necessity. It took several arguments over which topping to pick and in the end I just ordered 3 large pizzas for no reason.

All I'm saying is I'm trying to be a good friend.

"Do you still talk to Penny?" she asks, twirling a long string of cheese around her finger.

"No." And I don't need to talk to her. When I left, we had said all we needed to. I hope that she believed me when I said it wasn't her, it was me. It's probably the most cliché phrase in the history of humanity, but it was true. It didn't matter what she did, I couldn't be happy in the way that I want. It would be easy, and I'd probably traipse through the rest of my life. But that lack of passion, of intensity, that's the kind of feeling that keeps me going.

I don't like to think about it much because it just reminds me how stupid and selfish I was. But I wish her the best.

"It's a shame, I kind of liked her."

I chug the rest of my beer before opening a new one, "So you were rooting for me and Penny?" Which would make her the only one. Even my father was not impressed and that's seriously saying something. I figured the next person I was with would be praised and fawned over, which was the exact opposite. As much crap as my dad has said in the past about Arizona, I don't think any other, woman or man, would get his approval or respect like she did.

Meredith smirks, "I was rooting for Penny."

"Mean!" I throw a mushroom at her.

"What? She was a good girl that just got roped into a lot of shit."

"Yeah," I sigh, "she was. She'll find someone who deserves her. Someone who isn't...well – me."

"Someone younger with no baggage? I agree."

There was something _so_ satisfying about that pepperoni hitting her right in the forehead.

###

"Tell me again why this is a thing."

The floor is cold on my cheek, which is soothing because the tequila has definitely warmed me up. We had just cracked open the second bottle when Meredith came up with the bright idea to lay on the bathroom floor. So here we are, facing each other and only raising our heads to take another swig from the diminishing bottle.

"It just is."

I wonder if she does this often. With Christina, probably. Maybe she still does it, just alone. Not many people understood her like Christina. It makes me miss her. She was at Derek's funeral, but I only had a brief moment to talk to her. Her return was fleeting. She held Meredith's hand, consoled the kids, and managed to avoid any drama or awkward conversations. And just like that, she was gone again.

Time is crazy.

"How did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Move on from Arizona. Date other people, love other people?"

In a way, there's no specific instructions to moving on. You just – do it. And maybe I compartmentalized. Concentrated on the future and my own happiness. Which I found at one point, but it wasn't…it didn't _move_ me. I wasn't thinking with the right intentions. I ended my relationship, so I had to do the next obvious thing. I didn't realize until a lot later that I didn't do it for the right reasons.

"I wasn't myself."

"I get that."

"Arizona didn't die though."

 _Swig._

"Didn't she?"

"Well – yeah, a part of her did. I think she's back though."

Meredith stares off past me to what is most likely the bathroom door. Like that plank of wood featured the years of her life until this very moment.

"I wish Derek was back."

My fingertips shift to touch hers.

"Me too."

###

People don't realize it at the time, but there's several drunk phases. When you're still sober, you don't really think about the state you will end the night in. So far we've reached across the entire spectrum. But in the end, all you need is a dance party.

It was fun the first 15 minutes, and then it wasn't. There was a lot of alcohol and pizza swishing around in our bellies and I really didn't feel like cleaning up our own vomit later. And we've managed to make more mess than toddlers. Go figure.

All I want to do right now is sleep, but it's still daylight.

"Okay, we finish this, and that's it," Meredith states, handing me one last beer. We retired the tequila a few hours ago. It seemed like the responsible thing to do.

"I don't think I could spell my name at this rate." But I crack it open and take a sip anyway.

"Me neither, but I could probably still do a floppy Nissen."

"True, although I don't advise it."

Meredith burps, "I think I wanna have sex with Riggs again."

I chew my thumbnail, "I made out with Arizona." And I was doing soooo well.

"I knew that was gonna happen," she giggles.

"And I want it to happen again. I want her back."

"I knew that too."

"And I don't know how to do this. I mean," I sit up from the couch, "how do you try and date your ex-wife? How do you ask someone out who you had a house with, a home?"

It's been bothering me since. Because I want all those things. I want the kissing, and the touching, and just – everything. How to get that? I'm not too sure.

"Well, if anyone can do it, it's you. Just, I don't know, do what's right. How did you ask her out before?"

"I try not to think about that. She turned me down the first time."

Meredith snorts, "Really?"

"And then I interrupted her date and said some weird mumbo jumbo about having experience."

"Yeah, we might need to think about other options," she flicks the can with her finger. "Do you think she wants to try again?"

"I think so, I mean she kissed me first, or maybe I did." I don't know who did what first. I don't remember much of the little details when Arizona's in close proximity.

"If you want to try again though Callie, you have to be sure. Both of you. Don't let something like that go again." Her tone is serious, and I know there are no words that she could convey that would explain the pain that she still feels every day.

Those fleeting moments when I thought she died in that plane crash were unimaginable. But there were certain points where I actually asked myself what I was going to do if Mark or Arizona didn't make it. The answers were frantic and almost bizarre. Call it reality, or some sort of traumatic episode, but every answer came back to absolutely nothing. I didn't know what I would've done. All my dreams and hopes and future just, ended.

"If Arizona wanted to be with me again, I wouldn't let her go. I don't want anyone else. I tried, and I could have been happy at some point. But I just want her, all the time. And because I'm such an idiot and walked away, she's…scared."

"Then you have to make her un-scared."

"How do I do that?"

She shrugs, "You do everything you should have."

And it's like a lightbulb goes off. It's like I've found peace in the bottom of very many bottles. I might not remember this day tomorrow, but I'll remember this.

"How did you get so smart?"

"We don't have that kind of time."

###

Kids and drunkenness, well they just don't mix. And being two adults, we should have anticipated this. But the screaming banshees are too much for my head. They're cute and sweet as pie, but a part of me wants to usher them all out the door again.

But that would mean Arizona leaving too, and that just doesn't work for me.

The kids just think we're tired and maybe a little sick, but the blonde knows better. I swung open the door to reveal rambunctious children and a mischievous glint in her eye. I kind of felt a little – guilty at first before she giggled and said, "Move, Calliope, it's bath time."

And like the super mom that she is, all of the Grey brood are squeaky clean and ready for bed. Meredith's in her room putting Ellis down for the night and Sofia is content to sit on the couch watching cartoons.

Seeing as I'm the only adult who managed to do _nothing_ since they've arrived, I'm trying to tidy up the kitchen, still kind of drunk. The empty bottles of tequila and beer are thrown into the recycling bin and I quickly wash the dishes that we've used today. It's as productive as I can be at this point.

"Did you save any pizza for me?" Arizona leans against the counter, that same expression on her face.

I pull the remaining slices from the Tupperware in the fridge, "For you? All the pizza."

"It looks like you two had fun today," she comments, popping open the top and grabbing the first slice in the pile.

"Ask me tomorrow, I might say differently." I silently thank my lucky stars my first surgery isn't until noon.

"Mer okay?"

"She will be. Just had a little bit of a crisis."

The blonde shrugs indifferently. Around these here parts, there's always a crisis somewhere. "Did she figure it out?"

I scratch my head, "Um she…maybe…?" The jury is still out on that one. We didn't break nearly enough ground and I don't know how long Mer and Riggs' dalliance can be kept a secret. Maggie will find out one way or another and I just don't want that to ruin their relationship. But we made progress, Meredith admitted that she did want to see Riggs again, which is something.

"What about you? Did you have a crisis?" she asks, tilting her head.

"Um – no?"

She smirks, "Are you sure?"

"No, but, it'll be okay. I'm working on it."

"That's good," she replies, wiping her hands on a napkin and throwing it in the trashcan next to me. "Are you ready to head home?"

I blink, "Oh no it's okay, we were just gonna either crash here or take a cab home."

"I can take you home, Callie. It's late and you have work tomorrow and Sofia has school. Plus you still look drunk."

"I can get mys –"

"What have I told you? You don't want to mess with me."

###

Me being drunk and around Arizona is not a good thing. I mean, it's good in a way. It gives me feelings, inappropriate feelings. But the thing about these feelings is that I can't do anything. I had to sit on my hands the entire car ride back to my house. I'm not like this normally, honestly. But when I'm drunk it's just – it's too much. She's too beautiful and cute and sexy all at the same time.

And we still haven't talked about the kiss. It's taken up almost all of my thoughts since then. And it's not the sexual aspect of it that gets me. It was just being close to her again. It's almost unexplainable what I felt in that bathroom. I thought Seattle was my home, but Arizona is. Everything's changed but I still get completely lost every time she kisses me.

The shower did me good, and I had to get rid of the nasty booze breath. I strategically pop an ibuprofen, feeling a headache coming on from all the alcohol.

"Sofia asleep?"

"Yeah," Arizona stands up from my couch. "Out like a light."

I breeze into the kitchen to grab a glass of water before bed, "You didn't have to wait for me to get out of the shower. You have to work too tomorrow." I hear her soft footsteps following me. I chug about half a glass before refilling it again.

"I know, but I wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah sure, what's up?" I'm trying to sound as cool as possible, and I might be pulling it off, but my heart would tell a different story.

Arizona doesn't answer until she's standing right in front of me. Her face gives nothing away though.

"I need you for something." Her tone is low, like a smokey song that I want to hear over and over again. And it certainly isn't helping my heart. I can't think straight because she is almost as close as she was at Joe's. I know she knows the effect she has on me, and maybe I have the same on her. Her blue eyes have darkened with a tint of apprehension.

"Uh – what do need me to do?" At this point in our lives, I would do anything.

"There's a 13-year-old with Ewing's Sarcoma in his leg. I'm operating tomorrow and would really like it if you would take a look."

So not exactly what I want to hear but I'll take it. It's a different feeling working with children. You can't help but become invested. Sometimes it bites you in the ass and keeps you up at night. But when you save them, it's entirely different.

"Yeah, absolutely."

"Thanks," she sighs, "I owe you one."

"Actually I uh…know something that you could do for me…" At this point I know she's catching on. I really can't help it. I have to do it now while I still have remnants of alcohol in my body. Otherwise it'll take me at least another week and I just don't have it in me right now.

"Well, what do you want?" We used to play with each other like this all the time. And it was really fun foreplay. I'm not sure where this is going, but I don't want her to move. To get in her car and drive home to her own house. To go anywhere that doesn't have me there too.

"Go on a date with me."

She blinks and exhales slowly. "Go…on a date with you?"

Now I have to smirk, "You were expecting something dirty weren't you?"

"Kind of," she admits. It's easy to be light and fun again. It's another to do the work.

"Just dinner. That's all I'm asking."

"Dinner?"

"And maybe some kissing – if you're up for it," I add lightly. We're only human after all.

"Dinner and kissing?" she asks again, although I think it's for her own sake. And I don't know if this is too fast or it's just not the right time. But it feels right. Whether or not Arizona feels the same remains to be seen.

"Soon. I know there's a lot we still need to talk about and that's okay, I want to talk about it – all of it. But I'm in this completely. And we need to trust each other again, so let me take you to dinner and stare at you creepily over a candlelit meal."

She chuckles, "You don't have to take me to dinner to stare at me. I like it – when you stare."

"So? Have dinner with me anyway."

She eyes me one more time before nodding, "Okay."

"Great," I can tell the grin on my face is huge, "And I'll get to work a little early tomorrow and have a look at the scans." And oddly enough, the thought of getting to the hospital earlier than I'd like to isn't such a chore. Because we now have plans to go on a date. Where we're going, I have no flippin' clue. But that's what my friends are for.

The blonde decides silently to take her leave. She grabs her purse from the couch and I follow her to my front door.

"Um," she turns, apprehensive again. She steps closer, back into my personal space, "Can we do that kissing part, now?" My back straightens until we're breathing the same air. A hand encircles her waist and I have no control of my body.

"You never have to ask." Our kiss at the bar was passionate, explosive, like we were drowning and the only way to stay alive was our tongues and teeth.

This one was different. I envelope her lips with mine softly, and I feel her exhale through her nose. Her hands tangle in my wet hair and in this particular moment, I know that this is it. The process will take a lot of work and definitely some tears, but this is it. I'm _done_ being away from her. I tried to be sensible, to find happiness elsewhere, but it just doesn't compare. I want my family back. I'm throwing all my chips into the pile.

And when we open our eyes again, I hope she can see it, too.

"I have to go," she says, with a hint of disappointment.

"Drive safely." My arms are still around her.

"You have to let go first."

"Make me," I grumble.

She raises an eyebrow, "Get some rest, _Dr. Torres_. You have surgery in the morning." Her voice whispers across my lips, and just like that, the mood shifts, again. The thoughts of _sleep_ under my warm covers are already forgotten and replaced with something far more – relaxing.

Sometimes she's just not fair.


	6. Cheap Thrills

AN; Fun night before the hard work begins... Chapter's named after Sia's song, which has imbedded itself in my mind all week. Enjoy.

* * *

Chapter 6: Cheap Thrills

You know that 'weekend feeling'? That sincere joy and relaxation that takes over you when Friday is finally over and most of the time, you're off for those two blissful days? It doesn't happen often due to my profession, but I absolutely love the weekends. You spend those days doing things that you don't have time for, or those hobbies that keep you sane? Or maybe you just don't do anything and laze around in your pajamas for 48 hours. It's like everything slows down and the world is calm.

Until Sunday evening hits you, and you realize that _yes_ , you do have to get up and start your week. I've never liked that feeling, this spans across like, my entire life. I still throw mini tantrums every single time the thought invades my head.

My point is, there's a certain emotion that comes across. You're happy for the weekend, no work or school, just taking care of things or have plain old fun. And then it hits you at the end.

That's exactly how I feel about Callie.

I've been avoiding it and concentrating on all the good, smiley, fun things. Like kissing, I like kissing her a lot. Or watching her do paperwork, or operating, or, I don't know – _breathing_. I'm happy. The mere sight of her makes me happy again.

And then I remember the absolute shit show we put each other through. I remember the cheating, the amputation, the therapy sessions. I remember Penny, and the custody case. I remember how she packed up her stuff and left Seattle. Left me.

I'm not so happy after.

It's been getting better. I don't think about it as much, but the fact is that _eventually_ …I always do.

We have a date planned tonight. It took some careful planning on her part due to our schedules and I'm sadly reminded that my work does cause me to fly off into the wind at all times of the day. There's been the frequent thought that maybe, this isn't a good idea. Maybe things die for a reason.

But then I think that maybe there's a reason to try again. That there's some spiritual out of this world reason that made her come back, to realize that what we have is worth coming back to. That's what I have to believe sometimes.

That doesn't mean I'm not human though. Which is why I'm flitting in and out of what feels like every single freaking room in the hospital. Needless to say, I've seen way more than I'd like to.

Of course it's the last on call room that I enter where I finally find Alex. Usually I'd keep something like this a little more under wraps, but I need someone to talk to about this. And Catherine's in town so I really don't want to take up too much of Richard's time with my pathetic love life. The poor man's heard enough.

"Thank god, you're here."

He's leaning against the wall on the only bed in here, a take away container sitting on the blanket along with a tablet. No doubt hiding from the world as best as he can. Or Jo. I've heard the story and I know Alex won't confide in me without some serious poaching, but geez the guy gets _this_ close to happiness and then boom, shit hits the fan.

"Never thought I'd hear you say that," he mumbles around his cheeseburger, the light from the tablet illuminating his face to the classic Karev scowl.

I don't even dignify that with an answer, but instead scooch across the bed until we're shoulder to shoulder.

"I have a date with Callie tonight."

"Seriously? What happened to being friends?"

"I don't know. I can't be – friends without wanting her. But I'm nervous…and I don't know what I'm doing."

"It's a date, to the same woman you were married to. What's there to be nervous about?"

I steal a fry, "That's exactly why I'm nervous. How can I just be on a date when there's all this, history?"

"You either wanna go on a date or you don't. And you either wanna move past it all or you don't. Which one is it?"

"I want all those things. But what if we screw it up again?"

He sighs, dropping the tablet into his lap, "Just – don't screw it up. Don't get me wrong, you two have a lot of crap to work through. But you just gotta power through, _if_ that's what's best for you. If it's not then don't waste each other's time and let it go, for good."

"I always thought Callie was what's best for me. Then she left."

"But she came back."

"True. I came back too."

Alex shrugged, "It seems like she wants you back though. That's gotta count for something."

"It does," the thought makes me smile, "it means something. I _want_ to go on a date with Callie." It's my head that's the problem. Me and my noggin; we've had a complicated relationship over the years.

He nudges my shoulder, "You just wanna make out like horny teenagers."

"That's kind of – already happened," I wince.

Alex smirks, "Knew it."

"Shut up," I grumble before taking my leave. I've got one more procedure and then I'm rushing home to get ready. Callie said casual would work, which doesn't mean anything to me because I know that no matter what, I have to look good.

"Let me know how it goes. I want details," he requests as I swing the door open.

"Do me a favor…keep this between us? I don't want it to be a thing until it is."

Alex just rolls his eyes.

"I'm not gonna say anything. But have you seen the way you two look at each other? Everyone probably thinks you're banging already."

"…really?" I didn't think we were _that_ bad. As open as I've been about my business, this is one thing I want to keep under wraps, just between me and Callie. At least until we know what we're doing. However long that's going to take.

"Dude."

"Great. I'm so screwed." The rumors alone will be ridiculous.

"Here's hopin'."

##

I give the puck one last hard shove and watch victoriously as it slides into Callie's side of the table. Even better than the cleavage that's been taunting me all evening is the smart smirk across her lips. I know she's controlling herself, because that woman absolutely hates to lose anything.

"Well Calliope, it looks like you lost, _again_."

"Please, I let you win," the brunette scoffs.

Truthfully, we look like a pair of weirdos at an arcade, surrounded by children with exhausted parents. But I have to say, it's super fun.

We had dinner at a new Moroccan restaurant that just opened its doors a month ago. She stared, I stared, and the wine made me warm, or maybe it was Callie. She picked me up, on time, with a beautiful bouquet. She followed through on her casual dress code with black jeans and top with her black leather jacket with the oxblood collar. It made my mouth dry.

After much consideration and an essential Facetime call to April, and I decided on dark skinny jeans and a white top that made my boobs look really good if I do say so myself. I topped it off with a fitted black blazer and black heels. I spent more time freaking out over my attire more than I'd like to, and definitely more than any date I've been on in years.

I could tell she was just as nervous as I was, but once we sat down and started talking, it was…normal. Like no time had passed.

We kept the conversation light. All the other stuff, that could happen later. Callie just wanted us to have fun before everything else. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, but I'm just going to go with it for tonight. I was _enjoying the weekend_.

And then she parked in front of the arcade.

Most people don't know this because our relationship is soap opera worthy, but we like to have fun and be goofy. So she challenged me to every single game in the two story building and won almost everything. Until I challenged her to air hockey.

"You would never let me win. You love victory too much."

"Untrue. I would totally let you win."

I chuckle, "Oh really? And when was this, because I don't think I was there."

"That's…neither here or there," she replies briskly. "Okay, we have," she pulls out a huge roll of tickets from her pocket, "to get our prize and then head to our next venue."

"Are you saying the night's not over?" We're heading towards the prize counter. I already have my eye on a plush unicorn.

"Nope," she blinks, "Or I mean…unless you're ready to go home?" She slowly hands our tickets to the bored teenager working tonight.

"No," I exclaim. "You've got me interested now."

"So now you're just getting interested?" she recovers, leaning against the counter while the guy sorts out our tickets.

"Well," I follow her motion, "we've had a romantic adult meal and played more games than any other kid here. What could possibly be next?"

"What prize to you guys want?" the wheezy voice of the teenager asks finally.

Callie gestures her hand across the entire wall of different toys. I purse my lips before pointing at yes, _the stuffed unicorn_. The thing is bigger than my torso, but Sofia will completely freak out when she sees it tomorrow. We just can't tell her we had fun without her.

I clap my hands gleefully when he hands it to me. I look at her, "Do we have enough tickets for you to get something?"

She shakes her head, "No, it's okay. I already got my prize for tonight."

"Smooth one, Torres," I comment as we make our way out of the arcade. She grabs my hand as we walk through the parking lot to her car. It's gotten dark during the time we spent inside, the stars twinkling brightly.

"I'm just getting started."

##

"What exactly are we doing here?" I can't help the hesitation in my voice. I've been here, many times. And I'm not sure what her objective is, but I'll be honest, I'm a little uncomfortable. The thoughts of Monday are entering my thoughts.

Callie grabs my hand again, leading me to the sidewalk. "What? I thought you liked trivia night?"

"It's not –that I don't. I just, don't know why you want to take me _here_."

We walk a few more steps before she stops us a few feet from the entrance. She grabs my other hand until we're facing each other.

She sighs, "I know that this might be weird for you. And I'm aware that you've – dated women from here. But I figured we could have a few drinks, play some trivia and dance. If we run into someone that you know, I'll try not to throttle them. But more importantly, I want you to know that it's okay. I'm okay and all I want to do is show you that I want many, many more dates."

I'm still nervous. I try to keep my sexual escapades to myself, and well, Richard, but actually walking into this bar definitely has me apprehensive. I've never been on a second date with anyone I've met from here. I was simply, bidding my time, waiting for something or someone that would give me that feeling again. The sex was just a need to keep me going.

Walking in here with Callie is like bringing her to another world that she wasn't a part of. A world where she didn't exist, or where I made her not exist. And the feeling is back again. That never ending urge to just – keep her away from harm. Like it would be wrong to expose her to the place I used to troll for women.

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable if we go in there."

The brunette shakes her head, "I won't be. Well, maybe a little bit but it's good for them, to see you with me. I gotta stake my claim somehow," she adds with a glint in her eye.

"And how would you do that?" I ask innocently.

She leans in just enough, "Go in and you'll find out."

##

After two games and a semi awkward run in with 'Artisanal Soap,' we finally manage to win…a gift card to this very bar. It's lame, but we were definitely excited to win. Me and Callie, we like winning stuff. And as much as we like to have fun and play games, we're also unusually nerdy. We used to watch Jeopardy and watch weird TV specials about how things like gummy bears are made.

We've both been taking it easy on the alcohol, sipping on our wine at the restaurant and having a modest two drinks here, but even Callie can't turn down a shot from the bartender. Her name's Shelly and her and her partner have been managing the place for a while now. Me and Shelly have formed a little friendship during my time here. She's heard all my woes about dating again, along with my woes about never 'finding the one' again.

I guess it's obvious to strangers what me and Callie have because she placed the shots in front of us with a wink and mouthed, "Keep her."

"You know you're not driving," I comment before tipping the shot back. Vodka.

"I'll call a cab before we leave," Callie replies before her head tilts to the music that has turned up since the last trivia game of the night. She turns around, her red painted lips curving into a smirk. "Oh yeah, come on, get up," she orders, standing up from her barstool and grabbing my hand.

I chuckle softly, Sia's voice crooning around the space. When there's a beat that Callie's body agrees with, it's an absolute _crime_ to keep her seated. She leads me by the hand to the middle of the dance floor before spinning around and grabbing my waist. It's not much of a chore to dance with Callie. She's got enough rhythm for the both of us. I've gotten better over the years, but still, she helps.

More people are around us and I feel a sweat building up between my shoulder blades. And in the midst of everyone else, we're just, us. Callie's wearing an enormous grin and laughing like she's without a care in the world. If it's just for tonight, there isn't one.

Her hands have been on my waist since the song started, but for a moment she lets go and grabs my own, placing them on curvy hips. She sways us to the beat, and I don't realize until now just how deep I've gotten myself. It's not the physical aspect that tells me, or maybe it is. But I know this woman is in my soul.

It's still the weekend.

##

The wind feels good across my face as the cab takes a corner and makes its way down my neighborhood. My heart feels good too. Callie scooted over to the middle seat and held my hand the whole way as we laughed and talked about everything we did that night.

But we're both tired. She's laughing more lazily and my eyes blink a little slower. We're not as young as we used to be, that's for sure.

The cab pulls up, and Callie scoots back to the other end to open the door. I hear her ask the cab to keep the meter running as I slide out. She grabs my hand again as we walk up the drive way.

"How are you gonna pick up your car?"

"I'll ask Mer to give me a ride before her shift tomorrow," Callie replies simply, taking a final step to my front door.

"If she can't just let me know."

She smiles, "Okay."

Everything was…perfect. A more mature pink bubble than what it was in the beginning. But it's still a bubble. We're not good with bubbles either, because eventually they pop. I don't want it to, but that was our problem. It always pops, and we're left with sticky messy crap that takes _way_ too long to scrape off.

"Thank you for tonight. I had a lot of fun." I can't help but admit it. I almost felt like nothing had ever happened. But we're at my house now, and then Callie will get back into the cab and go to her house. I'll get Sofia tomorrow night and Callie will get her the day after that. Things did happen.

"Me, too. Maybe, we can do it again sometime." She's been confident and light the entire night. But now she's nervous and I know she knows it too.

I fiddle with the house keys in my hand, "We should talk."

"I know."

"Because, as much fun as its been – and I don't wanna ruin anything. But I just…I don't know," I admit, cutting myself off.

Callie steps forward, "Tell me. You just…what?"

I sigh, looking down at my hands, "The weekend's over."

"Um, okay…but actually its –"

"As happy as I am to – spend time with you…there's just so much more. I'm still hurt, you're still hurt. We can't do this again, sweeping everything under the rug and thinking it'll just go away. I can't do that again. I won't make it if I have to watch you walk away from me."

"Then – let's talk about it. Tomorrow or, whenever you want to. Because I know there's everything left to talk about. And I want to do things, the right way, because I can't be without you anymore. And I don't want to. I can't do it either. I don't wanna hurt or hurt you. I'm scared, but I'm in this, even if you're not sure you are yet. And if you're not, just…let me prove it to you."

We're both scared. I'm not sure where she is on the scale, but I'm fucking terrified. When I'm alone, and thinking, it's suffocating. But when I'm with her, it still is frightening, but the different is I'm not alone. It helps. She makes it better.

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

She exhales slowly, "Besides thinking about you? Nothing." She's good, that Calliope Torres. I could feel my lips pulling up before she even finished replying. I know the feeling. I can't _not_ think about her either.

"Good," I nod. "I'll call you tomorrow with the details. Maybe we can take Sofia out for dinner before she goes over to Meredith's."

She grins, "Okay." If she looked anymore excited, she might have peed her pants. But I have no room to talk, because the butterflies, they're out of control.

"You should get some sleep. Text me when you get home."

She glances down at my lips before meeting my eyes, "Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow." She lets go of my hand and places her own into her pockets before turning.

I shake my head, "Callie?" She turns around. "Aren't you going to say goodnight?"

Callie grins again, and before I know it I'm in her arms against the door. The gesture has me giggling. I know, I probably look pathetic, but I can't help it. She's laughing too, our breath mingling in the chilly night air. But I'm not cold.

Our lips meet softly and my hand grabs the back of her neck. It's sweet, and tender, like Callie. I know she needs to go, we need the night to reflect on things, I know I do. When she first came back from New York, I avoided her because I knew this would happen. I wouldn't want her to leave.

"I better go before the cab takes off," she whispers against my lips.

I nod briefly, because she really should. But it's not that bad, because I'll see her tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. She lets go of my hand finally, trudging down the steps and driveway with a distinct bounce in her step.

It took a little splash of cold water and a lot of shaking, but I finally aroused Deluca from sleep on the couch. Turned all the nights off, locked the doors, set the alarm, it took me a few minutes before I got to my bedroom. The night was really starting to catch up with me, my eyes drooping as I kicked my shoes off. I removed my all my jewelry, that particular heart necklace that I've left alone for years, now shining amid all the other pieces.

I didn't want the weekend to be over. But lying in bed, texting back and forth with Callie for the past half hour, I realize it doesn't matter what day it is. I'll see her every day. So maybe the weekend never ends.


End file.
